The Accidental Olympian

OOOOOOOPSE. SOMEONE FORGOT ABOUT THE PUPPY.

CRAP. CRAP. CRAP. CRAP.

In all my excitement for my best friends return + another close friends going away party + house warming party + 4th of July party I forgot a VERY important detail regarding a furry pet of mine... Like, WHERE IN THE HELL OLY IS GOING FOR THE 4TH!?!?!?!?!?!? This is that part of pet ownership you forget about when you're searching for puppies on PetFinder late at night. The part where if you head for a night in Seattle on a major holiday you can't just leave the puppy at home. Which is a shame if you ask me. All dogs should know how to prep their own meals, let themselves out, and tuck themselves in at night. Damn dogs and their lack of opposable thumbs.

All the other pet owners in Wester Washington were on it and booked reservations for their four legged family members ages ago. They researched top of the line boarding centers, booked a cushy room and requested 101 Dalmatians be played on a constant loop in their rooms. Me, I just suck and totally forgot. Now that I've remembered, with t-minus four days until the holiday, everywhere I call is booked solid. And if they aren't booked, their facilities are frightening, or they charge an ungodly amount. If I can't think of a plan soon this little one is either coming with us, and no one wants that, or we're spending the 4th at home with her... sitting in the backyard resenting her the entire time.

 
Ma, how could you have forgotten about me? With a face like this? Scandalous.

MY FAVORITE FAKE REDHEAD

Long distance relationships are hell. Long distance friendships, even lamer. Lately my life seems to be comprised of email, gchat, sporadic phone conversations when possible, and Facebook stalking as I attempt to keep up to date on the lives of three very important women. Keeping tabs on a friendship across state lines is one thing, keeping updated on a friendship across the Atlantic, even harder. Even worse when you're attempting cross continental friendships with TWO of your closest friends simultaneously. Thankfully, today one of my lost soldiers returns. For one summer I can soak up the company of a dear friend before she heads back out on her adventurous life. And I can tell you, I haven't been this excited for a 'summer break' since junior high.

Only you would hold my face like a grandmother...

WORK IT OUT GIRL!

Some of my earliest memories are of my mother in 80’s spandex. I’m talking neon splatter paint thong leotard with neon bike shorts and hot pink scrunchy socks. HOTNESS. My mothers second job was working as a Jazzercise instructor, and that lady took her job very serious. Therefore my sister and I became very familiar with the childcare room of whichever local gym my mom happened to be the instructor for. She tirelessly worked on routines at home, doing the grapevine with one baby on her hip, and another sitting at her feet. What a power house.

Needless to say her dedication to being fit and healthy rubbed off on her children. There were times in my life where I rebelled against exercise to be honest. Relying solely on my metabolism, but as I’ve aged I understand the importance of being able to climb the stairs without feeling like I might die.

Losing my job left me in a strange place regarding exercise. I simply couldn’t justify spending gobs of money on a membership when that money was desperately needed elsewhere. Yet, I knew even sporadic physical fitness made me feel good about myself, and keeping healthy endorphins flowing through the system is important for sanity. Oly added long walks into my life, but there are only so many times I can walk around our neighborhood with an easily distracted puppy. Our Direct TV package is lacking exercise fitness TV, so what was I to do?

Then it hit me. Nextflix instant videos! What I thought would be a simple procedure turned into an undertaking of epic proportions. Where is the cord that connects the TV to the laptop? Why doesn’t it work with my Mac? What the hell does this button do? Why is the screen smushed? WHY IS THERE NO SOUND! How do I get sound? Where did I put those old speakers for my computer? WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT LOUD BUZZING NOISE? Arrg, why in the world would Adam set his screen saver to come on every 5 minutes? OLY! Leave mama alone when she's trying to get buff! Holy crap our ceiling fan is low. Note to self. Do not flail arms so close to the ceiling fan. On and on and on it went.

In the end I had a good work out with the help of my 80’s inspired Pilates instructor. She made me sweat, and my overall goal of feeling the burn was achieved after many road blocks. But it sure made me miss the days of arriving at the gym for a class, getting my sweat on, and then just heading home. Who knew home fitness could be such a process?

THIS TULIP LOOKS PRETTY MENACING

I love tulips, they're my favorite flower, but this one looks a little feisty. It's like the venus fly trap of the tulip family. Careful with your fingers kids...

MEN SUCK

Ok. That was harsh.

How about this, men's metabolisms SUCK. Ladies feeling me now?

Honestly I've been blessed with a pretty decent metabolism. I mostly eat when I want, and usually what I want, while throwing in a little physical activity here or there. Ok, so I'm in a good place. Not a, "are you ready for your close up" kind way, but you get the picture. But me and my metabolism are NOTHING next to the male body. What the hell is going on in there really?

Before Adam and I lived together he ate... well everything. Eating out at lunch, eating pizza or something even worse for dinner, and doing absolutely NO physical activity. Granted, he didn't look like he did in high school, but that kid was rail thin in High School, so I honestly wouldn't want him to go back there anyway.

Then we moved in together. Adam started packing a lunch that contained something other than 70 lbs of trans fats. Even better, I started making us dinners with things like VEGETABLES as part of our daily diet. Turns out this simple life of a home made lunch and a normal dinner have led Adam to shed weight. And not in a, "Hey look I lost a pound!" Sort of way either. He's losing weight in a , "HOLY CRAP MY BELT IS OUT OF LOOPS" sort of way that is blowing my mind. He hasn't added any exercise to his life, he hasn't started counting calories, and yet he's shed nearly 15 pounds.

It's not fair. He's not working out. He's not walking the dog. He's not doing 8-Minute Abs, he's simply EXISTING, eating pretty normal food and losing weight. It's not right damn it!!!!!!

On one side I'm happy for him. Happy to see him getting back to a more healthy weight, happy to see him feeling good about himself. But there is this other side of me that wants to start slipping bacon into his coffee, adding lard to his sandwich, and putting entire cubes of butter in his chicken... If I'm not benefiting from our diet, then why should he? 

I hate men. Sorry, I mean I hate the male metabolism... It gets tricky to keep those two separate sometimes.