The Accidental Olympian

LISTEN UP, I CANNOT SPELL.

I've been alerted that I can't spell.

THANKS.  I learned that when I was... oh in the 1st grade.

Some of us are math nerds. Some of us are spelling freaks. Some of us can balance a ball on our nose and get fish for treats.

I live with someone who won his first spelling bee in the 7th grade, and in the 2nd grade when he miss spelled ONE WORD on his spelling test he came home crying because he was convinced they were going to hold him back. ASK HIS MOTHER. I did.

OK. So I spelled 'simotamiously' wrong today. WHOOPS. I hope you were able to continue with your day while also 'simultaneously' accepting my spelling inabilities. Some of us have a gift, and some of us rely HEAVILY on our spell check function which even then leads us astray.

It's called being a child of the 90's...

THE PART WHERE I GET UP ON MY SOAP BOX

There’s something that’s been bothering me lately and I feel like I have to finally mention it here…

I’m disgusted by the fight/battle/pissing contest happening in our country right now over the proposed Health Care plan. I don’t care what side of the argument you’re on. Pro, con, whatever. But when I read/hear/watch/listen to people talk about how they want to see the health care plan fail, NO MATTER WHAT IT CONTAINS, simply because they wish to see our Democratic President fail at his first major policy attempt, I want to vomit.

Vomit all over my shoes, in my purse, in my meal.

How does anyone benefit from childish behavior such as this?  understand this isn’t ‘blind Obama love’ either. If McCain had won the election and I heard that Democrats, or anyone for that mater was banning together to shoot down McCain’s first piece of legislation, no matter what it was, or who it could help, simply because of his political party affiliation, I would still want to vomit. Everywhere.

How does anyone, Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, Green, or Constitution Party (never heard of them before in my life, but Wiki says they exist!) benefit from childish behavior such as this? If you don’t agree with the plan, FINE. Then lets work together to fix it. Come together and build something that helps Americans, ALL Americans. Build something together that we can ALL be proud of. Something that will make other countries turn their heads and say, “Damn. Look at America! By golly they’ve done it again. I sure wish I was as smart, popular, pretty and fantastic as they are!” This sandbox bickering, this, “I’m not inviting you to my birthday party,” BULLSHIT is pathetic.

I, Ashley, a tax paying, college educated, decent American has not had reliable health insurance/dental insurance/vision insurance since I walked out the door of my parent’s home in September of 2003. I have had moments, mere glances of what it’s like to be covered by a health provider since that day, but only moments. In those fractions of seconds I have felt a feeling of calm and serenity, felt as if FINALLY I could relax and breathe. Then as soon as it has come, it has gone. Or even when I’ve been lucky enough to have insurance, it’s been nearly as bad if I’d had nothing at all.

After a horrifying medical emergency in 2004 landed me in the ER with an almost life threatening head injury I was hit with a 5,000 dollar medical bill. When I asked my insurance provider why I had a staggering bill since I HAD INSURANCE after all, they told me that because my ambulance chose to take me to the closest ER to save my life, instead of taking me to the ER my shit insurance provider covered, now I would need to pay up. Oh, and also bend over and take it with a smile on my face. 

Tell me how that’s acceptable? Tell me how that helps anyone? Tell me how that's right?

There I am, healing from a head injury, trying to put myself through college, and now I have a 5,000 dollar medical bill, all because the EMT chose to save my life instead of check with my provider first. I was UNCONSCIOUS. How in the HELL was I supposed to provide my ambulance driver with my insurance companies lengthy requests while simultaneously suffering from a brain hemorrhage? In the end, had I not been lucky enough to have been blessed with dedicated and amazing parents financially able to step in, I can’t even tell you where I’d be today. I could have NEVER paid that bill and also still gone to college. One would have had to go, and it would have been my education.

Does that even make sense? That I might have had to drop out of college just to pay off an ER visit that SHOULD have been covered in the first place? NO. No, it doesn’t make any sense at all.

As the most powerful, influential, and at times most highly admired country in the world, this sort of thing shouldn’t happen to our citizens. Ever. Yet this and worse, so much worse happens each moment thousands of times over.

We need to get our heads out of our asses and WORK TOGETHER. I don’t care what party you belong to, what God you believe in, or what you do at home when no ones looking. All I know is that the topic of health care has hit you. Either as a tap on the shoulder, or a slap in the face. You’ve dealt with it, thought about it, and probably agonized over it. Let’s make something together we can ALL be proud of and set the bullshit aside.

Remember, at the end of the day, these are American lives we’re talking about here people… Not Republicans, or Democrats, or Libertarians, or the Constitution Party, or the Green Party, or the Party of Party Animals. Just Americans.

Think about it. After you've thought long and hard, tell your Congress-person exactly how you feel.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY NEW BOYFRIEND, ALEX

This is Alex Conrad, I call him AC for short. He's my new boyfriend, isn't he handsome? I can't stop gazing at him. There isn't anywhere else I'd rather be than sitting right beside him. The way he sits there acting so sexy, being all, "Baby, come closer and let me cool you off with my powerful lungs." (sigh) I never knew what I was missing until AC came into my life. I thought Adam would be jealous, being usurped in his own home, but even Adam's mesmerized by AC's cool demeanor. We're just one big happy family over here now and I'm just tickled. 

And just in case you think I'm being dramatic, read this... You can't make this shit up people.

FROM MY HOMELAND TO YOU

You are probably going to vomit a little in your mouth at first when you read my drink suggestion. But listen, this is MY heritage we're talking about here. So by telling me this drink I love makes you want to vomit you are saying that I make you want to vomit. And that hurts my feelings. It's not my fault that I'm the product of Basque people. I don't ask them why they're Spanish nomadic terrorists. I just go with it. And let's be honest, you just don't piss off a group of people known for being renegades.

So here it is, the Basque's solution to a warm day where all you want is a big glass of wine but can't stomach the idea because of the heat. The Kalimotxo. Here's how we make this little piece of heaven;

-- Grab a glass, or tumbler if you're feeling fancy
-- Fill with ice
-- Traditionalists fill the glass half full with red wine, but I say go nuts and add 3/4 of a glass of red wine. In my opinion, cheaper the wine the better.
-- Lastly add 1/4 of coke and stir. I prefer Diet Coke, but that's only because I have an addition deep in my bones. 

TA DA! Gross sounding? Fine, none for you. Me, I think it's fabulous. I LOVE LOVE a big glass of wine, but on warm days like this week I can't STAND room temperature wine. The Kalimotxo is the perfect solution. The coke removes the tartness of a cheap wine, and the ice, well the ice makes it heaven in a glass on a hot day.

Still creeped out? Well stop. Just try it. Come on, just once. After you do, tell me what you think. And if you don't like it, well hey, then I'll just send my people to break your knee caps. At least I warned you first.

OLY I'M SORRY I JUST CAN'T

She's been looking at me like this for the past two days. It's like she knows how cute she is. She thinks if she just brings me a new toy, or tilts her head a little further to the right I might cave and play outside with her. She's hoping if she hits me over the head with the adorable stick I might forget that I'm almost homicidal from this 95+ degree weather. Maybe I'll throw caution to the wind and venture outside for a long walk or a game of catch if she tries just a little harder. But if she ever wants someone to fill up her bowl again I suggest she find other ways to entertain herself this week.

This heat already has me at my breaking point making me one irritable bitch. All it takes is a little boob sweat this week to completely set me off. I love you Oly, but I wont be much help in the owner department if after our little walk in hell I land my ass in jail for stabbing Adam for daring to touch me ONE MORE TIME with those disgusting clammy feet of his.

THE PART WHERE REALITY BITCH SLAPS ME IN THE FACE

When friends of mine realized I'd never experienced the American tradition of going to the drive-in, they declared I must pop my drive-in cherry IMMEDIATELY! Being an idealist I jumped at the idea of a picturesque 1950's throwback drive-in movie night. I quickly located a theater near Olympia, assembled a cast of characters, and welcomed this trip into the past. The one closest to us was not your megaplex drive-in theater they're building today. This was a serious step back into the 50's. I'm talking pine trees lining the edges, gravel parking spaces, a decrepit screen, hand painted signs, and even the remnants of those drive up window speakers straight out of 'Leave it to Beaver.' I loved it! Or so I thought.

Seeing as I've never been to the drive-in, I figured this was going to be magical, a trip into the past when life was simple and women wore pearls to vacuum, while secretly developing pain med addictions. I had a sun dress on, packed a light sweater, and brought along a little scarf, just in case. How adorable it would all be! We'd sit in the back of the truck, snuggle next to our sweethearts, cop a feel under the blankets, sip on our beverages, and giggle along to our drive-in movie. And sure the fantasy land I'd conjured in my mind lasted for a while, but then reality set in. Like a fucking ton of bricks.

Once the sun set, it was no longer warm. At all. Even a little bit. The 85 degree weather from the day was replaced with maybe high 50's. I am no longer snuggling with my honey because I am literally trying to climb into his lap to absorb all of his body heat. Seeing as Adam wasn't exactly thrilled at the idea of two people attempting to share a camping chair I quickly resorted to stealing the flimsy blanket we had both been sharing. Which was great for me because now I had something to wrap around my entire body, but Adam, well he was left to fend against the mosquitoes the old fashioned way. And when I say 'old fashioned way' I mean the way where you suck it up and just get bit. By the end of the night I had my ENTIRE body curled into a ball in my camping chair, squirming around every five minutes attempting to find some conceivable way to get comfortable. Ever seen a grown woman curl into a ball in a camping chair? It's NOT pretty. There I was, thrashing around in my chair, with a scarf over my head, trying with all my might to will the night to end before I just gave up and burst into tears.

A double movie feature sounded so fucking precious when I was reading it online. "Look babe! Two movies for less than the price of one! Under the stars! How fucking adorable! I hope June Cleaver is there to serve us all hot cocoa!" No. She's not. She's at home, wearing her pearls and laughing at you while you attempt to shove your entire body into a five dollar camping chair under your pathetic blanket because you're an idiot and live in a land of make believe where unicorns bring you refreshments and fairies will keep you warm with the patter of their delicate wings.

At the end of it all I returned home at 2am, freezing, with a crink in my neck, frozen toes, a bruise the size of a silver dollar on my shins from the chair, and in a terrible terrible mood. Sure, it's probably all my own fault that I had a shit time. I could have been more prepared, or snapped out of my fantasy world and acted like an adult for a change. But that would be WAY too easy. I like to blame others for my misfortunes. Instead of being wrong it's much more enjoyable to exclaim to the universe that I knew all along that there was a reason that I never went to the drive-in movies. Because they're lame. Really, really fucking lame.   

SOMEWHERE JODI PICOULT IS CRYING INTO HER CEREAL

ME: "My Sister's Keeper, two thumbs way down."

LP: "But you cried through the whole thing."

ME: "Yeah... only because I am completely ridiculous and cry while watching '16 and Pregnant.'"

LP: "Ohhhhhhhhh. Because that makes it rational."

ME: "Exactly."

I DIED AND WENT TO GWEN STEFANI HEAVEN

When I was in High School one of my best friends moved to Los Angeles. After moving to LA she instantly surpassed me in coolness because suddenly she started sentences with things like, "This weekend I met Jack Black." And I'd be all, "This weekend I met some friends at the AMPM and got a hot dog." And as irritating as it was to suddenly have your best friend be infinitely cooler than you, I stopped feeling bad about my life once she took me into the Hollywood hills, parked outside this amazing home, and told me Gwen Stefani lived there. Hi, this is me dying at 16.

So when I heard that No Doubt was doing a throw back tour this summer, I KNEW I had to be there. When I think about No Doubt, I think about my junior high/teenage angst, about my first boyfriend, and remember all those hours I spent listening to Return to Saturn pretending I was Gwen. Fabulous, fabulous Gwen. Some celebs are HOT. Melt frosting on their thighs and lick it off sort of hot. Where if you ever met them you know you'd be incapable of saying anything other than,"Hiii-uck. Urrrrg. Ummble, blla-dee-dat." Ok, maybe that's just me. But in my opinion Gwen Stefani isn't just another HOT celeb, she's that girl everyone wanted to be, and every guy wanted to be with. 

The show was amazing. LP and I had basic cheap seats but it didn't even matter. The moment they came on stage our inhibitions went straight out the window and we just DANCED. Danced, and danced, and danced. Danced with our entire bodies while singing each and every lyric at the very top of our lungs. We danced with such little inhibitions the people around us slowly scooted away. They were actually frightened of two little women who just couldn't seem to get their shit together. We looked like we were having an epileptic fit 95% of the time, and at one point the guys next to us actually started taking pictures because they were so weirded out. Every single person there thought we were either blacked out drunk, or clinically insane. And people, you don't black out for a No Doubt reunion tour. It's just not right. The verdict is still out on the crazy part though...

I was that woman all night dancing like she was made of jello. Screaming along to the songs, arms flailing in ways I didn't even know they could bend, just dancing and screaming and dancing and screaming. Did I mention the screaming? We sang along to every song, and marveled constantly at Gwen's abs. Two kids people. TWO.

When it was over we stumbled out of the show talking on and on about the simple yet amazing stage, her outfits, and how cool the band is, because obviously we're tight like that, what HUGE dorks we were, and what a smart idea it was for No Doubt to have a throw back show for forgotten fans like us screamers. I don't even care if their next album is just the four of them sitting around in a room making fart noises with their hands, I'll buy it. The fan fire is back in full force. 

At the end of a blissful night LP and I met back up with my Snuggie stylist Russ and his amazing photog friend Michael and heard about how fan-tabulous their seats were. And then I punched them both in the face. After the brag fest we clumped up like farm animals and waited for our turn to ride the magical school bus back to the mall parking lot where we'd been forced to stash our cars. The people around us wanted stab us repeatedly in the eyes with rusty forks because we were all so high from Gwen Stefani fumes that we were on our phones posting updates to our Facebook pages about the concert, making up our own language of giggles and text jargon, then replying to the other persons status but refusing to say what we'd just wrote, and then dying of laughter when the other person finally read the nonsense. Because obviously we were 13 again. What did they expect though? A throw back No Doubt show and a school bus ride, it was only natural to regress.

I'M STILL SHIVERING THINKING ABOUT THIS

He said, "Come on, lets jump in."

I heard, "Come on, lets put our toes in the water, and then squeal because it's freezing and quickly retreat to the place where there is no frigid water to touch my extremities while I watch you do it instead." 

He ran and ran further into the waves and all I could think was, "Imagine that, Adam has a death wish."

 

He returned soaking wet, shivering, but with the biggest grin I'd ever seen.

OCEAN CITY CAMPING EXTRAVAGANZA

This weekend was Exhausting. With a capital E. Tons of fun, but also completely and utterly exhausting. The fact that I am able to even type these words without passing out on the keyboard is a feat in itself. The only real cure for this kind of deep in your bones tired is a couple Zanex, fast food, and another vacation.

I'm the sort of person who suffers from extreme buyer remorse. I'll get a new pair of shoes, and the minute I swipe my card I'm debating returning the damn things. So when it comes to booking campsites, my buyers remorse hits an all time high. Seven seconds past the front gate I'm already going, "Shit, I hate this place. We should have gone to X, Y, or Z... The site is way too small, and I hate the weather this weekend, and I'VE DESTROYED EVERYONE'S VACATION!" It's something about the pressure of choosing the location for the whole group that gets to me. If everyone hates it, it's MY fault. Me, the lady who suggested this shit site is the one to blame. Give her the evil eye and never plan another vacation with her because she single handedly sucked all the happiness out of the room. Thankfully after the mini panic attack wore off and I took about 70 deep breaths in a paper bag I looked around and realized that "HELL YEAH I'M CAMPING AT THE BEACH BIATCHES!"

The first thing that popped into my head when we came through the dunes and I spotted the beach was, "Damn it that's a lot of sand." Miles and miles and miles of sand. Sand in your toes, in your shoes, in your food, snuck into your drink, and mostly in your orifices. WAY too much sand. Despite all the sand we had two very different, but equally enjoyable days at the beach. The first day felt more like we spent a day on the moon than a day at the beach. In my whole life have NEVER seen fog like this before. People would stumble off into the distance and you just never knew if you'd ever see them again. As Adam wandered off I'd think, "Guess it was nice while it lasted." I swear there were other people out there on the beach with us, we could hear them, we just couldn't see them. Maybe it was for the best though. Neighbors are tricky.

 

So far Oly's been pretty anti water, but thankfully under the teachings of Adam's parents slobber factory Jilly she finally took to the water with gusto. The best was seeing her face the first time she got slammed by a wave. She turned back and looked at us like, "WTF people. No one told me these things fight back."

Day two we donned our wind breakers and heavy duty footware and planned for another day on the moon. Then, SURPRISE! The sun decided to join us. Suddenly all those people we heard but couldn't see yesterday were very very visible. I was happy to get a tan, and read in the sun, but there is something about feeling like you're the only person in miles of coastline that sat pretty nicely with me. Day one was an eerie and somewhat mystical experience at the beach. Day two we saw a school bus drive past us on the sand. I'm just saying. 

 

There were so many great moments crammed into such a small amount of time. I met Adam's nieces and nephew, saw true bliss in the face of my puppy as she ran full speed with no inhibitions, remembered the simple pleasures of having someone bury your feet in the sand, read on a blanket in the sun, made smores, collected driftwood, walked along the coast, flew a kite, cooked hot dogs out of the back of a truck bed, snuggled up in a tent, played with fire, and watched as a young girl saw the ocean for the very first time. Growing up with the ocean at my disposal meant that I've come to take its presence for granted. Yet when I looked down and saw the amazement, excitement and even awe in this young child's face, it was as if I was seeing the ocean for the first time as well.

Hand in hand we sprinted through the sand towards the water, and for a moment we were just two girls, giddy with wonder, about to touch our toes to the sea for the very first time. 

*Want to see more of our little vacation? Click on the Webshots 'WA Coast Camping' album on the right side of the blog to see all the pictures from our weekend away.*