The Accidental Olympian

MICHAEL JACKSON IS STALKING ME

So you're wandering the streets of Pioneer Square on a leisurely Saturday and all of a sudden a Michael Jackson flash mob erupts around you. You laugh, and clap hysterically, and when it's all over you thank your fabulous luck for being in the right place at the right time.

Continuing on your Seattle-tastic day you head to Pikes Place market an hour later for some picnic supplies. While you're shopping for veggies or trying not to get nailed by a flying salmon suddenly you hear "Beat It" on the PA system. "Wait, it couldn't be..." and it is. AGAIN the flash mob breaks out and the blond guy who's pretending to be Micheal Jackson is shaking his booty all over your Saturday for the second time today.

"Huh," you think, "It's a small creepy world where you can happen upon a flash mob twice in the same day."

With your picnic materials in tow you head off to the Seattle staple, Kerry Park for a late lunch gazing at the downtown skyline. But then an unmistakable tune breaks out for the THIRD time in a single afternoon and it's official, "These Micheal Jackson Flash Mob people are definitely stalking me."

It would seriously be my dream come true. I'd follow that white Micheal anywhere. 

THE WILDRENESS DOESN'T WANT ME TO BE HAPPY

Since my new motto was to appreciate what I had and stop being a whiny little bitch, I thought I would invite my friend along on Saturday for a hike in the Olympic National Forest, which is sort of in my backyard. I've been meaning to visit this impressive wilderness all summer, and I figured the fresh air and the exercise would be good for all parties involved.

The day seemed perfect for a hike, we were constantly surrounded by a cloudy mist, there wasn't a single other car waiting at the trail head, and we'd found our trail with little struggle. I was thrilled to finally be able to check off 'Hike in the Olympic National Forest' on my summer to-do list. Overall the forest was unlike anything I'd ever seen before. Old growth forests give off the impression that you have stepped back into the Jurassic Era. There are giant ferns littering the floor, gigantic mushrooms grow in colors you didn't realize occurred in nature, and everywhere you look grow the most awe inspiring trees I've ever stood beneath.

 

We started on such a positive note, smiling, happy, impressed by our surroundings, and then we discovered a bees nest. And when I say discovered, I mean was attacked by one. One moment we're walking around pointing at things like tacky tourists at the Empire State Building, the next Oly is surrounded by bees, my friend is SCREAMING and running in one direction, and I'm flailing my arms and booking it in the other direction. I knew this was an usual forest, but I wasn't aware that it was the forest of killer ground bees. After much hyperventilation from my poor friend I was able to convince her to run at full speed (because that's true hiker safety) past the nest. No one was stung, and thankfully no EpiPens were needed. We continued on, sure it was simply a fluke experience.

 

Besides the bee hiccup in the beginning we made it to the lake in one piece, had lunch, and after a quick break decided to head back. While crossing a section of the trail we'd been by once before we were lucky enough to encounter ANOTHER KILLER BEES NEST. I don't know if Oly has a death wish, or just doesn't like me very much, but once again she stuck her nose in a ground bees nest. Because pissing off a bee hive in the middle of nowhere is a fun way to spend a Saturday.

This time we weren't as lucky. Oly got stung, and then I quickly realized I had a killer bee attached to my pant leg humping that little stinger over and over, trying as hard as it could to sting me in the leg. This little fucker was pissed. After jumping around and kicking my legs like a maniac I realized the only way I was getting this angry guy off my pants was by using a stick. Once I flicked him off I was feeling all triumphant like, "Look at me, no bee can harm me!" Then TWO of his buddies showed me a thing or two and managed to get under my backpack and sting me on the back. It was such a mess. My friend is screaming bloody murder on one side of the nest, I'm jumping around screaming "I'VE BEEN HIT! I'VE BEEN HIT!" on the other side, and poor Oly is shaking uncontrollably. Oly, what do you think of your first hike so far? Fun huh!

Once my poor friend had climbed off the trail and literally bushwhacked her way back to where I was, all we wanted was to be air lifted out of this evil forest with all the killer bees. Knowing that we had to finish the hike, and still walk past the FIRST bee hive was almost too much for us to bear.

Looking back I totally know why this trail was listed as 'infrequently used' in my guide book. Because it's EVIL. Through the entire hike we kept remarking how strangely quite the forest was. No birds, no animal tracks, absolutely no forest noises of any kind. We assumed it had something to do with the deep mist, somehow it must decrease the forest noises we thought. How serene we remarked. Then I realized, there wasn't anything magical about this trail, it was quiet because the killer bees killed everything. Birds, attacked by bees. Deer, mauled by bee swarms. Other hikers, devoured by those little black and yellow killers.

Nothing like a day fighting off evil bee swarms to really start yourself back on the path towards positivity.

FORCED TO DO HARD LABOR AGAINST MY WILL

This past weekend forced me to sit down and have a little talk with myself. And after much chatting and bickering with the voices in my head I think I'm finally starting to understand the reason behind all this anger.

I've always had issues with change, so when I lost my job it was like someone picked up my life, dumped it all over the floor, and then stomped on it. Eventually I learned to cope, I relocated, I stopped fighting the changes, I bought a home with Adam, FINALLY found a job, and I settled into this life that seemed to have been chosen for me against my will. Looking back it felt like I had coped quite well. A lot of the tale-tell signs of my control issues seemed to be melting away, and it even felt like I was adapting for a change. I was poor, but I stuck with it, there were people to help me, and slowly things seemed to be getting better. There actually was a light at the end of that long tunnel. But then a weekend like this past one pops up, and suddenly the reality of how different life is, how much life has completely changed slaps me in the face. And it stings. 

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My wonderful friend was quickly going to be leaving Seattle after what felt like WAY TOO SHORT of a summer home, and Saturday would be her last night out with everyone. Throughout the summer, time and time again I had put off visits, vacations, drinks, and simple interaction because of a general lack of funding. But I told myself there was always next week, next weekend, tomorrow. She wasn't gone yet, I could make up for my absence, I hadn't missed my chance I'd repeat to myself. Then suddenly there were no more chances. Her last weekend in town was upon me and I had a decision to make.

 

Adam and I lay there on Saturday morning and I asked yet again, "So, do you think we can go to the picnic, then stay for the night and go out with everyone?" He gave me this look, this look that said, I am going to break your heart right now, and it's the last thing in the world I want to do. We couldn't. There was no financial way that we could board Oly, use half a tank of gas, contribute food and drinks to the picnic, possibly eat out for dinner, and then enjoy ourselves out for a night of drinking in Seattle. No matter how we spin it, we would spend money. And lots of it. I sobbed, "I'll put it on my credit cards, I'll take money out of my emergency savings, I just want to see my best friend ONE LAST TIME!" But he wasn't stopping me from going, he wasn't laying down the law, or twisting my arm, he was simply asking me to accept the reality I so desperately wanted to bottle up and throw under the bed. No matter how much I wanted to be there, it wasn't possible.

 

It was as if all the changes in my life hit me in a split second. I had new responsibilities. And these weren't things forced upon me, these were responsibilities I had ASKED for, things I CHOSE and had wanted so badly. Such as this home. This home that needs a new fence, this home that needs to be recaulked before winter, this home that I couldn't pretend wasn't a priority.

So we worked. For eight hours I moved concrete blocks, Adam cut lumber and we repaired that damn fence as if our lives depended on it. If I was going to be a slave to this investment, if it was going to alter the way I needed to prioritize my life then GOD DAMN IT IT WOULD LOOK GOOD WHEN WE WERE DONE. Over the course of eight back breaking hours we moved 118 pavers off the fence and replaced the gap with boards. At this point in the picture below we'd finished 2/3 of the fence, and the only thing standing between me and relaxation were those remaining pavers. I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate those pavers. 

 

At the end of the day I was frustrated because it felt as if the house had won, had kept me from having a normal social life, had reminded me of all the changes I've made this year as well as how much we've given up to own this property. Yet in that same moment I gazed at our new fence and was filled with genuine pride that WE had done that. We didn't call someone else to fix our problem, we certainly didn't ignore the issue, we simply bucked up and made it happen. Even through all those messy tears.

Yet when Sunday arrived and once again we had to turn down an invitation for a social life, turn down a chance to go sailing on the Puget Sound with friends so we could stay home and RECAULK THE MOTHER FUCKING HOUSE, the anger I thought I'd pushed aside from Saturday returned with a vengeance.

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I don't know any other way to say it, I'm angry about being so fucking broke all the damn time. I know it's selfish, and petty, and 'shhhhh don't talk about money', but it's true. I hate that we feel so broke, and it gets hard after a while when the little money we do have goes immediately into the house. I try to remind myself that we are investing time and money into the house because the house is a priority, it's our investment, but at the end of the day it is hard to teach yourself to think of something fun, and then immediately train yourself to say, "No thanks. I don't want/need/can't come." In making the house a priority I have to give up things like having the social life I want, or buying quality groceries, or taking real vacations, or ever being able to buy something frivolous for myself like new clothes.

So after a week of wallowing in self pity I just have to accept that this life I live today is hard. No one will deny that. It is much harder to balance finances today than I ever assumed it would be, but I must stop dragging my feet, and I have to stop feeling sorry for myself. Because when I look around there are still a lot of positives, a million things about this life I truly love, so many things I would never give up, and things I've learned to appreciate deeply, struggle and all.

If my life had never been turned upside down I would not have been given the chance to own a home period, and that is something I should celebrate no matter how excruciating all these changes might feel at times. Had it not been for unemployment I would not live in this beautiful house with a man who when I feel like my life is crumbling around me will simply hold me and tell me everything will get better someday. How can I be angry about that?

And lets be honest, does screaming obscenities at the world for my misfortunes change anything? No. All that does is put me on the fast track to being that angry old bitch on the block that small children are frightened of who stands in her front yard in a bathrobe screaming, "GET OFF MY LAWN YOU PUNKS!"

I'm so not ready to be that woman. Yet.

ROBIN WILLIAMS ON GOLF

I seem to be having a really, really hard time articulating what it is that's got my insides all torn up and messy. SO, in the meantime I leave you with this lovely clip from Robin Williams and his show Robin Williams: Live on Broadway.

Adam is gearing up for a Saturday day of golf and nonsense with the boys, and each time he talks about how excited he is all I can think of is Robin Williams in this sketch. People, it's true. What in the HELL were the Scottish on when they created golf? And can I have some? Because I seriously think it will help right about now.

LEAVING SO SOON?

I was excited when you left for London because it was so wonderful, magical even to think of you off in grad school in a city I fell in love with instantly. Then you returned, and after a summer that passed too quickly I feel cheated. I had so many more things planned, so many more laughs, drinks, talks, movies, dances, adventures I had wanted to share with you. Being an adult blows. But at least saying good-bye this time feels different. The fact that this year you'll be far away is hard, harder even to think we might never again live in the same city, but knowing I can once again send you text messages in the middle of the day for no reason, about nothing, and receive a response equally nonsensical makes it all a little easier. Plus, this year I can wear that Yale thong of mine with pride. It's no longer weird and out of place to own it. I know someone smart. Really, really, really smart. Are you irritated with me yet?

I'll miss you, but you know I'll call often. You might actually get tired of me calling to be honest. And if we're both lucky, I'll sport that Yale thong of mine in your presence real soon.