SOME DAYS I FEEL AS IF I AM DROWNING

The first blogger I ever fell in love with was the hilarious Laurie of Crazy Aunt Purl. I was originally pulled into her archives by her humor, but quickly became hooked by the way she hung out her dirty laundry for the entire world to see; read at your own risk. Her blog started as a way to cope with her painful divorce, and as she took stock in her life she realized she had been dealing with an unhappy marriage by racking up a nice pile of debt. Scary, bone crushing, swallow you whole, DEBT.

She publicly proclaimed that to dig herself out of this mountain of debt she would be taking a stand against meaningless shopping. If it wasn’t a necessity she would no longer be buying. Desires be dammed. I read these words via her archive in the early portion of 2008. The very same year where each paycheck of mine seemed to barely stretch through that first weekend. The same year where I was living a life way beyond my means simply because this is what I thought being a college graduate was supposed to look like.

Simple concept right? If you don’t NEED it, DON'T buy it. Yet people flooded her inbox with proclamations of disgust. "HOW COULD YOU????" they raged. Not buying yourself something because you want it? How un-American.

Personally, I thought she was a GENIUS. Then and there I decided to join Laurie on her spending freeze. Together we would rule the world, and our finances.

I had a goal. Eliminate ALL credit card dept, open a savings account, and if I wanted something I would need to wait until the money was there. Money would be direct deposited from each paycheck in increments of $50 to my savings account, and if something I wanted was $100, I would need to wait until I had $150, take out the $100 and leave $50. My rule was to always leave my savings account $50 heavier than when I started, thereby ensuring that I could eventually purchase what I wanted, while also slowly building a safety net.

I felt so damn empowered. Strong, determined. And honestly, sometimes like a poor sack of shit. Yet sacrifices had to be made and I was learning to deal with that sometimes cold reality. Honestly, from the looks of my current designer jean collection you’d have no clue I was a poor sonofabitch. Thinking like that HAD to change. I no longer allowed myself to run out and drop $600 on my credit card to shop for clothes, because although I loved them, wanted them, and knew I would cherish and appreciate each item, I DIDN’T HAVE THE MONEY. Ashley, welcome to living within your means. Pain is money.

Eventually one card was completely paid off. I felt like a fucking super hero. Living by the savings account was hard, but working! It might have taken me two months to save for that new vacuum I needed, but when I paid for it in cash I had saved instead of putting it on my credit card, I loved that damn vacuum as if I birthed it myself. Before I knew it I could see the end of the finish line with my second card. Only $220 to go before I was free of huge credit card payments and ready to dedicate more precious funding into my savings account where it belonged.

Then on December 5th, 2008 I lost my job.

All my plans, all my hard work, and all that sacrifice was lost. Savings wiped out. Dept climbing with each week. The sticker, “DO NOT USE ME! I AM EVIL!” that once graced the front of my last credit card was subsequently removed and the spending just to remain above water began. I would try to assure myself that this was all temporary. Once I found a job I could return to my plan with vigor, I could again work tirelessly and finish what I was once so close to accomplishing. I kept telling myself that once I had a job I would be ok.

So what happens when you finally find that job, and you’re so thankful to be able to simply pay your bills again, so thankful to be able to see any income, but truly living within your means is still physically impossible? I want so badly to return to the land of debt reduction, to a place where each sacrifice I make also gives me joy in knowing that I’m accomplishing something bigger, but I honestly can’t yet live my life even in the barest sense without that piece of shinny plastic.

Adam and I try to remind each other to ‘live within our means’ so often I am sure I mumble it in my sleep. But how do you live within your means when your means aren’t even enough to get you through? If the money is gone three days after payday, do I just stop buying groceries? If I run out of gas do I simply stop driving? If Oly runs out of dog food do I revert to feeding her scraps? When we discovered that the support beam on our porch was rotted out and hosting an ant farm, were we supposed to just shrug and look the other way? I know what sacrifice feels like, but we also have to have some limits.

I still smile, and laugh, and spend time with friends. I still make vows to stop being such a scrooge always chanting, 'next time', and instead allow myself to spend for the right reasons. I still take pictures, and snuggle up to watch good movies. I still look forward to making new memories, and think of ways to brighten the lives of people close to me. I still find myself amazed by the beauty in nature. But in those same moments I’m also really scared. Because this time I can’t see the end. I can’t manage to work towards a goal right now because no matter how hard I try I can’t even manage to wrap my mind around what needs to be done to fix this. This inability to line out a game plan scares me more than I want to admit because it makes me feel helpless. And more than anything, most days I’m petrified that I’ve lost control.

How many of us live under the shadow of bone crushing debt and say nothing? How many of us feel pressure to live above our means, only to come home and quake at the site of our bank statements? Why does no one talk about this?

Comments

[Jen A.]

I can't decide whether this is worth a post-reply, or simply a comment... but I'm leaning toward a post! I feel you on the finances being a burden thing. I can't even imagine how I would function if I lost my job, and I totally applaud you for handling the situation well and through to it's end (= employment). I have to send you a major *fist bump* across the interwebs for that, and another (*fist bump*!) for writing about such a scary topic. Not having money, and how not having money affects what you feel able and capable of doing, is a gigantic crying monkey in the proverbial room of happiness and efficiency.

And some days I feel like I'm drowning too. :)

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

Thanks Jen for the amazing comment and all the fist bumps!

I grew up in this home that was SO open about money. Savings, credit cards, how much they had, how much they made, and mostly trying to teach us responsibility with money. In turn I never got how silent other people were about money. Each time I tried to talk about it people got all weird, and I just learned to keep it to myself, or my diary.

But now I'm sick of pretending that most of us aren't suffering. I mean we all go out and try to live our lives, and on the outside some lives probably look damn privileged, but I bet a huge group are aching right along side me with smiles on their faces. Why can't we all be honest about it?

Most days are good days. But I want to feel open to talk about those times when I take stock in my situation and it makes me want to pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep. I think we all should be more open about those bad days.

Hopefully we can all help each other out with encouragement and understanding!

[marti]

Financial responsibilty is a hard pill to swallow, especially if you haven't got any water to wash it down with. These are scary times. I know that feeling of panic. Last year when my 401 disappeared before my eyes, I was numb. But now I have another problem..Time. Not enough time to regain all I have lost. And I keep thinking of all the wonderful things I could have done with that money. So instead of looking forward to retirement I'm scared, scared to be old and scared to be broke. I took one of those financial tests and it said I need to save more than I make! Money may not buy you happiness but as Johnny Depp said "It will buy you a big enough boat to sail right up to it." Hey, you already have the boat, that's a start, right?

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

MARTI- You're right, we do have a boat! Now all I have to do is figure out which body of water will take me straight to happiness... It's interesting because Adam and I actually do our best financial planning on the lake.

Marti, when I figure out where exactly on the water happiness is, you better believe I'm dropping Adam off to set up camp and I'm headed back to grab you and Joy. Happiness island wouldn't be the same without you both.

And to anyone else reading, if you wait on the shore I'll come back and get you too. Be patient.

[segean]

Tell me about this retirement thing. I'm so close and yet so far away. will I have enough? Do I sell the rental property, and pay of the house we live in now or do I keep working in a job I am so tired for doing after 36yrs. Hell sell it all move to Oregon, take the trailer and boat and buy mom a tractor and all will be well. Geeze when you write it down it does't sound all that bad. One more year and three months and Oregon here we come. Love ya DAD.

[Earth_Mommy]

Getting out from under debt is a hard thing. Even harder is to realize there is a problem and it's time to fix it. When my husband and I first married, we would spend, spend, spend. Then he lost his job and we had a baby due in a little over a month. We decided he would stay home with the baby for the first year. That taught us how to really stretch a dollar. We have three kids and I am the one staying at home and we still need to stretch and seem to never be able to save. But, now, we have a home that is paid for (but seems to need work done every paycheck), two vehicles which run perfectly and are paid for, and the only debt we have is his student loan payments for his Masters Degree. It's tough, but it's sooo worth knowing you are secure in the bad times. And it makes you appreciate simple things all the more.

[Marie]

Congratulations from digging out from under those first two cards. You know you can do that again. It IS scary, though, when life circumstances conspire to squeeze you.

I struggle with spending less, buying unnecessary items, etc. too. I've been exploring some of the psychological reasons I enjoy spending (feeling prepared, new cute things, even if they are thrift store finds) because although we are not suffering, we haven't come to grips yet with our new post-baby financial situation. Yeah, most people don't want to talk about it. I suppose people think it's preferable to suffer in secret rather than air it. What scares me the most is the upwardly mobile treadmill, feeling like we (in the general sense) have to acquire things to look good. That alone takes down a lot of people.

[flutter]

I can completely relate to this post. I lost my job in July of last year, scrambled and freaked out.

This year, I have a great job, paid off 10k in debt and am closing on a house. It is empowering to go from nothing to something....but I now always wait for the other shoe to drop, to pull me back down from something to nothing.

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

EARTH MOMMY- Stretching a dollar is definitely something Adam and I deal with, struggle with, and attempt to ingrain into our skulls. Adam told me this afternoon that he refuses to shop without me because he knows that I am the one person who keeps him on the budget path. Congrats on sticking with it and getting to that secure place!

MARIE- I completely understand what you mean about the impulse to continue to move upwards on the 'mobile treadmill.' I stand there in stores literally aching with the impulse to buy at times. Adam and I have been working diligently to talk out the reason behind our purchasing impulses. 99% of the time once you say why you want something out loud you find you don't actually need it. Slow going, but I guess it's going.

FLUTTER- I'm waiting for that day I can look back and be amazed and proud of what we've accomplished. I was so close to it last year. Stories like yours remind me that eventually we'll get back on our feet. I hope.

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THANK YOU ALL FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ MY POST AND SHARE YOUR COMMENTS, IDEAS, & ENCOURAGEMENT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY IT MAKES ME TO SEE YOU ALL HERE IN MY LITTLE CORNER OF THE INTERNET...

[NTE]

I came via Five Star Friday, and I just wanted to say that I definitely understand how overwhelming it can be to just not have enough money to survive, let alone think of what comes next. Unfortunately, I think it's an all too common feeling right now, and I do wonder why more people aren't talking about how scary that is.

Nice to meet you, btw. ;)

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

NTE - SO very nice to meet you as well! Thanks for taking the time to grace my little spot in the Internets. :)