DEAR COSMOS,

I am so very sorry. I should have known better than to proclaim publicly that there were serious perks to being a renter when it comes to the whole fixing your broken home thing. I am an intelligent being and I swear I know better than to declare, OUT LOUD that my biggest worry about being a home owner is that suddenly without warning one of my over priced appliances I rely on dearly should stop working. Cosmos, couldn’t you see I wasn’t being ungrateful, that I was just trying to be helpful to a friend who was feeling trapped? In celebrating her renters fortunes I SWEAR wasn’t cursing my own situation. Damn it I was TRYING to be a good friend! Why can’t you see that?

I find it truly unfair that you decided to punish me for bringing up how much the death of my dryer would ruin my life by ACTUALLY taking away my dryers ability to function. And I swear I could have still learned a very valuable lesson (such as NEVER speak about the death of your dryer out loud, EVER) if maybe you’d only decided to have it temporarily stop working. In that momentary loss of service I would have quickly realized the error of my ways, apologized profusely for ever being so callous as to question your power, and then TA-DA you could have turned the dryer back on and all parties would have been pleased.

Personally, I think it was rather over done to have the dryer almost start a house fire when the electrical components completely melted, leaving us with a catastrophic mess. I mean, yes, it was fabulously dramatic, but I think a tad unnecessary to be honest. Not that I would EVER go around questioning your judgment of course, it’s just, fuck, do you know how much this is going to cost?

(Cue overly dramatic sigh)

I guess in the end I just wanted you to know I got the message. After I fix this I promise to be forever thankful for the state of my home ownership, and I wont EVER EVER EVER again speak openly about how lucky renters are when it comes to the death of their handy appliances. Except that last time there. I swear on my life that's the last one.

Sincerely,

Ashley, The Woman-With-A-Dead-Dryer-Who-Lacks-A-Twitter-Following-Powerful-Enough-To-Repair-The-Sonofabitch-By-Snapping-My-Fingers-Therefore-I-Am-Getting-Ready-To-Pay-For-This-Mess-Using-My-Over-Worked-Credit-Card.

P.S. Adam wanted me to tell you that he's pissed about his shattered iPhone and would like some cosmic store credit for his troubles. Unless of course you are punishing him for something I don't know about. In that case I am totally cool with it.

P.S.S. Please go easy on my car this morning while it's in the shop. Just thought I'd ask. 

Comments

[Jen A.]

My most sincere condolences on the passing of your dryer. My own drying appliance decided to bite the dust this past year, and I've been blowing kisses at the dishwasher, fridge and HVAC ever since!

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

Jen, Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong! Not enough blowing of kisses... I will start all appliances on a blowing kisses regiment the moment I get home!

[Maggie May]

Bleck. I'm so tired of things breaking!

[Emmy]

i don't have a dryer. so you can at least count your blessings that way! (ps sam was impressed by the size of your dryer...ok that wasn't supposed to sound wierd...) i do, however, have a bf's mother who dries and IRONS all our clothes. not a bad set up, although i always feel a tinge guilty putting away ironed clothes.... cause i know i'd NEVER do it!!

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

Look out Emm, before you know it Sam's going to be asking why you didn't iron and fold his shirts! :)

Thankfully Adam is the laundry man in our house. He can run 4 load of laundry through, have them folded and put away before I have time to decompress from a day at work. MAGIC I tell you.

[parker]

Lol. Perfect. ;)

[Junket Juice]

If the cosmos return your call...give them my number. I have a few things I'd like to say.