FOR ME

Did that bit on Tuesday sorta scare you? Last time you checked this blog was a place where some silly girl talked about her dog, wrote tirades about the death of her dryer, and whined on and on about how poor she is. Then all of a sudden, BAM! Heavy shit. Like, 400 bricks dropped on your chest heavy.

I know, wow, what a day!

All month I struggled with 'how to feel' or 'how to deal' with this tragic event. I find myself constantly calling my mother asking if I feel TOO sad about it, if my reactions aren't RIGHT, if it's WRONG to feel guilty, or could she possibly just tell me how I might GET OVER THIS ALREADY? On this particular topic I find myself completely and utterly incapable of sorting through my own emotions. They seem far too powerful, too deep, or to encompassing for one person to navigate through on their own. I often attempt to call in backup, unsuccessfully of course.

Tuesday I took a stab at a new approach, forward progression. And yet I didn't. Because instead of just making my donation and being ok with ME and MY feelings, I felt the desire to lighten the burden, spread the shit, and ask others to carry my weight with me. And then, I instantly regretted it.

Tuesday morning I found myself on the phone with my mother yet again, panicked I had once again gone and done the whole dealing with grief thing WRONG. She reminded me very simply that there is no 'wrong' when it comes to crap like this. How easily I seem to keep forgetting.

Wrapped up in my mind all morning, lost in the maze that are my thoughts I found myself scrambling, knocking on doors hoping others might steer me in the correct direction, when in reality I already had given myself the power and the relief I was desperately searching for the moment I hit 'donate.' 

Suddenly my inbox dinged. It was the PR representative of Families and Friends of Violent Crime Victims. She thanked me profusely for my donation. And you know what else she added that momentarily stopped my breathing, 'Please let me know if I can do anything for YOU today.'

ME!?!?!? Lady this isn't about ME. It's about HER, and other victims, and making my family proud, and getting strangers to care, and making a difference, and OMG PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT ME AND MY STUPID LAME PATHETIC NEEDS!

Yet in that moment, suddenly those needs I refused to acknowledge were finally met. I wanted to move forward, I wanted to feel as if I made a difference, I wanted to try to lighten the load of another's suffering, and suddenly it didn't need to be about EVERYONE ELSE jumping on board because surprise surprise, I actually accomplished my goals. I got so wrapped up in wondering if anyone else cared, I actually forgot to let myself care.

Thank you for being here. And listening to me. And for not rolling your eyes constantly and then walking away confused and irritated. Because you know what, it finally hit me. I didn't need you to care about this cause just because I feel passionately about it, I just needed you to care enough to be here and support ME while I try to sort through it all.

How embarrassing to realize all I really wanted out of this week was a big internet hug. Have I told you lately what great hugs you all give? No? Well you do. Terrific ones really.

Comments

[Jen A.]

Sounds like you've had one hell of a soul-searching week. Me too. I'm so sorry that you lost your grandmother, especially because of the WAY you lost her. I almost lost [someone very close to me] recently due in large part to a comedy of errors, heartbreak and prescription drugs. Soul-searching? Commenced.

****BUG****

(BUG = Big Hug)

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

Jen,

How weird when these types of events seem to befall people all at the same time. Is it the change in seasons?

Big hug right back at you. I almost lost a friend to the same sort of circumstances last summer and it's one of the most confusing situations to be in. Protector, and friend. I hope you're friend is feeling better.

Is this week over yet?

[Jon Maust]

You're a strong girl, I think you're handling things great. But the following never hurts:
(HHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGG)

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

Jon,

Thanks for the TREMENDOUS internet hug. :)

[marti]

Greif is hard enough, but greif and violent senseless tragedy? Where do you put that? How do you hold that in your heart? No wonder you're confused, the two emotions don't mix, they collide in your heart and soul. I wish I had some words of wisdom that would help you, but honestly there is only time and everyone has their own clock, you take as much time as you need. love you Ashley