The Accidental Olympian

A DIFFERENT SORT OF HALLOWEEN

For the first time in I don't know how long, this year I had ZERO Halloween plans. See, Adam HATES Halloween. Which I can sort of see, I mean he was mugged by high school kids when he was 10, had his candy and clothes taken and then watched his friend get beaten with a sack full of candy. That would probably turn me off to the holiday as well.

Just to clarify, I am not the kind of girl who just decides that since my boyfriend doesn't like a holiday, I don't either. PLEASE. Believe me, I tried to find somewhere else to go. And I almost did head off to other lands to partake in Halloween nonsense, but then there was this thing that has come up in my life, this exciting thing that I can't wait to tell you all about that sort of is a little expensive, so I caved. Fun dress up, drunken in a bar somewhere Halloween plans flew to the wayside to make way for this new exciting, sort of scary experience I am getting ready to embark on.

Anyway, with no plans in the name of saving, and a man who HATES Halloween I am pretty impressed that I still managed to drag Adam to a real live pumpkin patch. That sort of coercion takes serious skill people.

LOOK! I even ended up in a picture while I was there! That never happens. Most days I worry that when I'm old I'll look back on my life and see millions of shots of EVERYONE ELSE but myself. If I happen to end up with Alzheimer's I'm doomed because I wont even have pictures for people to point at repeatedly and say, "Remember this Ashley? Remember when you thought it was ok to wear your hair like that even though everyone told you that you looked ridiculous?" I take that back. Maybe it's better there will be little to no evidence.

Except not this time. This time I forced a photo opt. Here's to me, showing up in my own memories.

Not even joking, we looked over and the seed was on her nose. It's like she is aware of the phrase 'Kodak Moment.'

I made a UW pumpkin, Adam a University of Utah pumpkin, and Oly, well she got her own special baby pumpkin. I think she really appreciated being included. These pumpkins were totally worth the effort because we were able to hear THREE different sets of parents tell us how cool our pumpkins were. Oh, and handing out candy to little kids wasn't half bad either. 

Halloween, you were different this year, but wonderful none the less.

 * If you'd like to see the whole Halloween album check out the images on Webshots *

WATCHING THE BOOB TUBE

I imagine this is what they would look like if I stumbled upon their picture in an old newspaper. Grainy and slightly smudged. Mostly though I love how the filter on this picture makes Oly look like she's 9 weeks old again and suddenly Adam appears to have the most AWESOME Groucho Marx mustache. Also, I think they're plotting something sinister.

FOR ME

Did that bit on Tuesday sorta scare you? Last time you checked this blog was a place where some silly girl talked about her dog, wrote tirades about the death of her dryer, and whined on and on about how poor she is. Then all of a sudden, BAM! Heavy shit. Like, 400 bricks dropped on your chest heavy.

I know, wow, what a day!

All month I struggled with 'how to feel' or 'how to deal' with this tragic event. I find myself constantly calling my mother asking if I feel TOO sad about it, if my reactions aren't RIGHT, if it's WRONG to feel guilty, or could she possibly just tell me how I might GET OVER THIS ALREADY? On this particular topic I find myself completely and utterly incapable of sorting through my own emotions. They seem far too powerful, too deep, or to encompassing for one person to navigate through on their own. I often attempt to call in backup, unsuccessfully of course.

Tuesday I took a stab at a new approach, forward progression. And yet I didn't. Because instead of just making my donation and being ok with ME and MY feelings, I felt the desire to lighten the burden, spread the shit, and ask others to carry my weight with me. And then, I instantly regretted it.

Tuesday morning I found myself on the phone with my mother yet again, panicked I had once again gone and done the whole dealing with grief thing WRONG. She reminded me very simply that there is no 'wrong' when it comes to crap like this. How easily I seem to keep forgetting.

Wrapped up in my mind all morning, lost in the maze that are my thoughts I found myself scrambling, knocking on doors hoping others might steer me in the correct direction, when in reality I already had given myself the power and the relief I was desperately searching for the moment I hit 'donate.' 

Suddenly my inbox dinged. It was the PR representative of Families and Friends of Violent Crime Victims. She thanked me profusely for my donation. And you know what else she added that momentarily stopped my breathing, 'Please let me know if I can do anything for YOU today.'

ME!?!?!? Lady this isn't about ME. It's about HER, and other victims, and making my family proud, and getting strangers to care, and making a difference, and OMG PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT ME AND MY STUPID LAME PATHETIC NEEDS!

Yet in that moment, suddenly those needs I refused to acknowledge were finally met. I wanted to move forward, I wanted to feel as if I made a difference, I wanted to try to lighten the load of another's suffering, and suddenly it didn't need to be about EVERYONE ELSE jumping on board because surprise surprise, I actually accomplished my goals. I got so wrapped up in wondering if anyone else cared, I actually forgot to let myself care.

Thank you for being here. And listening to me. And for not rolling your eyes constantly and then walking away confused and irritated. Because you know what, it finally hit me. I didn't need you to care about this cause just because I feel passionately about it, I just needed you to care enough to be here and support ME while I try to sort through it all.

How embarrassing to realize all I really wanted out of this week was a big internet hug. Have I told you lately what great hugs you all give? No? Well you do. Terrific ones really.

FOR HER

For the last four years, today has been the day where I remember how evil we can be to one another. Where I come face to face with the utter randomness of life and feel my lungs begin to tighten in my chest. I am sick of today being about fear, and anguish, and suffering.

With your help, today I plan to change all that.

What if today is the moment when people come together and inject some much needed love and compassion into an extremely dark day? What if instead, today is the instance where people I’ve never met take the time to give back to this world, refusing to allow others to take away anymore from us.

I want today to be so much more than the day my grandmother was murdered.

I honestly hate to ask anything of you wonderful people who take time out of your lives to come to my little corner of the internet and read my words, yet I feel like I must. I ask that you take a moment and locate an organization dedicated to providing support to families and victims of violent crimes and donate (click here to donate to the charity I donated to). Time, money, support, love, I don’t really care, just give back something positive to someone who truly needs it on this day.

Maybe you don’t have a single dime to spare right now, I completely understand, so maybe try instead to donate some of your time. If that even means calling up your grandparents, or going over and cooking them a meal and telling them you love them I’ll be happy with that.

Today I chose to donate $50 to Families and Friends of Violent Crime Victims. A charity here in Western Washington dedicated to providing victims and families with things like a 24 hour help line, counseling, legal services, meals, resources, and above all support in some of their darkest hours. Although I didn’t really have that $50 to give in the first place (maybe you can only give $5, that's perfect!), knowing that it’s going to help a family, or an individual cope with an absolutely horrific situation makes it worth my sacrifice.

I don’t know. Maybe it is absolutely pathetic of me to think that I can ever make this day something other than what it is, horrible. Yet even if not a single other person donates, at least I know that I finally did something proactive on a day that has always left me feeling helpless. For myself, today can be the day I decided to start giving back in her honor.

Someone took something absolutely precious from my family, but I refuse to allow them to continue to take from us year after year. I want to forever alter the dark meaning surrounding this date. October 27th from this day forward is the day that you and I bring love, and kindness, and support into the world in her memory. And if I keep at it, if people continue to rally with me year after year, who knows, maybe in 5 years this will be a day I look forward to because I know that it will be a time where strangers come together to provide selfless support to victims and shattered families when they need it most.

Please, send me an email, or a note in the comments and let me know if you did something, anything, in her honor. And if you would, please share this message and this goal with others. Lets not make a dent, but an actual impact in the lives of people suffering today. 

I wont ever be able to thank you enough for taking part in this with me. 

 

FIRE TREE