DO YOU HAVE A COCKTAIL? IT MIGHT BE A WHILE

I'm not sure what an epiphany feels like, but I assume what I felt on Saturday morning was just that, an epiphany of epic proportions.

Saturday morning I attended the University of Washington's Master of Library and Information Sciences information session. My mind has wandered since I lost my job last December, floating back and forth between hopeful dreams of returning to academia and a fear of rejection, change, uncertainty, and complacency. Unknown to my dedicated readers, or even most of my family and friends, I have already missed two of the earlier information sessions. Although the dates and times have been clearly marked on my calendar, as each one approached I managed to find a way out of attending.

"I'll go to the next one," I'd tell myself. "It was my schedule," I'd reason, when really it was only fear holding me back. This time, I forced myself.

 

For nearly 5 years I attended the University of Washington and yet I was nowhere prepared for the overpowering feelings of longing and nostalgia that hit me the moment I emerged from the underground parking garage. As the cold wind brushed my cheeks all I could think was, "I'm home." 

 

Throughout the morning, professors, students and advisors told us everything we'd ever want to know about getting an MLIS at UW. As I sat in those chairs with my coffee, my pen and my paper I felt the most overwhelming desire to never leave. I wanted to live in these chairs forever, breathe the smell of a new classroom eternally, fall asleep to the sounds of the professors soft voice, the chiming of the classroom bells, and the shuffle of students feet.

The program opened my eyes and reminded me that there are things I have yet to accomplish, talents I have yet to tap into, skills I have yet to master. The doubts that had begun to creep into my mind, thoughts that I might forever simply have 'a job' instead of a 'career', feelings of despair, unworthiness, and the overwhelming intuition that I might always be the less qualified candidate began ever so slowly to dissipate as I sat and listened.

For the first time in a very long time I felt inspired. Inspired that I might regain control of the trajectory of my life. That I might once again surround myself with the world of academia, that I might find a path, a mission, a purpose that I could be proud of. More than anything, I left that information session convinced once again that I had a future. 

I had contemplated attending grad school via an online program. I figured it would be the easiest way to work full time and also earn my degree. Yet as I sat in those chairs, surrounded by other eager and determined minds I knew I would never be satisfied slaving away, trapped behind my computer screen. I longed to walk through a campus, study in libraries, have long drawn out conversations with professors in dingy offices, I ached to sip coffee on the steps of a historical marker, work on group projects, and get to know my fellow students. I loved every single thing about going to college, and to deprive myself the happiness that comes from being a full time college student would be to only continue to take things from myself I know bring me peace. I would be knowingly depriving myself of joy.

With the session complete I wandered aimlessly throughout campus. The cool fall air had transformed the university grounds into the wonderland I first fell in love with at 17. Without realizing it I found myself standing before Suzzallo Library. 

As I stepped inside I had to stop to catch my breath. All the memories of my first visit nearly 8 years ago began to flood back. The first time I visited this library it cemented my decision to apply to the University of Washington. This school had called to me, the city seemed to have been made just for me, and this particular library seemed to have been crafted from the depths of my imagination.

Eventually I stumbled out of the building aching with memories, tears beginning to well in my eyes. As I drove away from UW I could no longer contain the emotions that had been struggling to escape since I'd stepped foot on campus that morning. I sobbed. Deep guttural lonely sobs. I cried for Seattle, a city I had never wanted to leave, a city I longed for, a place I felt was crafted just for me. I cried for the loss of my career, for my careening self confidence and the confusion that seemed to ever cloud my judgment. I cried with joy in realizing that I could fix this, that I could seek out something better for myself, that I could reclaim my career path, that one day I might again find myself a student with dreams so big I can hardly contain them. I cried and cried and cried because first I know I must wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

 

After everything, the inspiration, the love, the longing, I have no immediate plans. As dull as it may seem, nothing in my life will change any time soon. The economy is still in shambles, there are still far too many unemployed to compete with, and there is no program here in Olympia that would give me the sort of degree or experience that I crave.

But with all that, there are things I CAN do. I can begin to study for my GRE, I can work on collecting my letters of recommendation before people's memories of me become too fuzzy, volunteer at the local library, and most of all, I can fill myself with hope. Hope that it will get better, that I still have a bright future, and hope that eventually I will feel as if I am again marching forward towards a dream.

Until then, I wait. And hope. And mostly, dream.

 

 

 

Comments

[Ashley]

I, too, have looked into U-Dub's Library Sciences program since it was the closest thing in the PacNW to being the research librarian I wanted to be.

But that was ago. And this is now. And it still boggles my mind that you need a Masters to help people around the Mecca Of Books. But, it is what it is.

So for now my debate is Masters in Hospitality Management? Professional party planner? Hotel head-honcho? Who knows...thank goodness we're still young. :)

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

Ashley, the thing that inspired me about the program was that it is SO much more than just becoming a librarian. I was sitting there frantically scribbling down things like, management of information via social networks and smart phones or physical book to ebook conversion and management. It was straight nerd status. :)

And yes, I second you on thanking our lucky stars that our age gives us leeway on feeling forced to make decisions. Even though most days I need to remind myself of that very concept. Most days I feel like my worst critic seeing as I refuse to give myself the forgiveness to wait and see what comes next.

Im an antsy little squirrel I tell you.

[Junket]

Sigh...

I love getting inspired. You captured it beautifully with your words.

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

Why thank you Junket. That means a lot.

[Jen A.]

That library makes me want to go back to school... it's so Harry Potter-esque! LOL

When I went to college, our library SUCKED. Then, they built this gorgeous and huge library right smack-dab in the middle of campus. But... they set aside so much space for computers and couches that it ended up holding LESS books than the old basement library did, and I ended up driving 5 hours home to go to the library near my house instead.

ACADEMIC FAIL.

[Rachel]

Ooo lovely post, I can relate yet again. But first off, are you quite sure that's Washington and not Scotland? That library is amazing. My college library resembled a prison from the outside. Lovely DC architecture. Anyway.

First off, I understand your yearning for academia. I desperately want to go back, probably because I miss college so much and I thrive so much better in that environment. Unluckily for me, the few programs I looked into and visited right after I moved back to NY were in fact uninspiring, and so ended my idea to go back to school right away. So I'm really jealous you found a program you love.

Secondly, I think you have a lot more to be optimistic about. Depending on the program, you may be able to start sooner than you think, if that's what you really want to do. It sounds like you're a shoe in so I don't think getting in will be a problem. It is so awesome to love something and be able to do it, which is pretty difficult in this economy.

Also, my mom is the president of the local library, so if you ever feel like moving to NY she has the library hook up.

And finally, this is my favorite library of all time, which I would visit on occasion when living in Rio. It was built in the 1800s by the Portuguese and is preserved to be pretty much just like it was when it was built.

http://www.inepac.rj.gov.br/modules/Guia/images/Real%20gabinete%203.jpg
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/26/36903915_b465e4c0e3.jpg

I'm happy that you've figured out what you want to do! It's so much harder than you'd think.

[Naomi]

I felt the same way when I visited USF last fall for an informational graduate session. So many amazing memories. I wanted to stay on campus forever, walk back to the dorms and even get some cafeteria food. Great post Ash!

[Marti]

Your inspiration is infectious. And there is no doubt that you will accomplish all your dreams, one thing that you've never been lacking is determination. Martha Washington said "The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not our circumstances." And you have always made the best of situations. There is no stopping you..Great writing Ashley

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

Wow Marti I love that quote. That quote sums up the struggle Ive been having with myslef lately. Ive been realizing one of the greatest issues in my life is my attitude. Hopefully Saturday was just thr step towards turning that around. Thanks again for the sweet words!

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

Rachel, I am moving to NY tomorrow and giving your mom a call!

Im not sure if the MLIS is exactly for me, or even if my future lies at UW, but at the end of the day this weekend was more about showing myself there was a future out there for me to capture. Be it library, social work, non-profit, or animal behavior, I have to stop going to that horrible place of doubt. I will get through this. YOU will get through this. We just have to remind ourselves exactly it is we want.

P.S. That library is amazing! Some day I want to visit and wander the halls...

AK

[Jen_Ann_W]

God that campus is gorgeous. I miss Washington. I went to Whitworth over in Spokane, and since I graduated they've added a bazillion new buildings. I'm not sure if visiting my old campus would elicit the same nostalgia. Regardless, I too want to go back to school - maybe a MBA in Sustainable Business - not sure. Does Evergreen State have a Library Science program?

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

Jen, no Evergreen is lacking in the field of library science. They only have about 5 grad programs, none of which strike my fancy. (dramatic sigh)

Eventually Ill decide on a program, but until then Im just going to use the inspiration from Saturday to keep me thinking ahead instead of bogged down in my own self pity. Lately I can think of millions of programs that tickle my fancy...

[Jen_Ann_W]

Bummer. I'm trying to figure out my future right now too - my hubby is finishing his undergrad this spring (finally! better late than never) and so everything hinges on where he finds a job (hopefully back out there) - then I have to decide stick with what I'm doing now, or go back to school for something different like interior design? I have no clue, but I have a bit of time yet. I hate not having a plan though.

[barbara knecht]

Beautiful writting and full of emotions. Love it
Your MOM

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

Geeeee schucks, thanksMom! Youre the best!