WELL BEND ME OVER, SPANK MY ASS AND CALL ME SHIRLEY

On December 5th, 2008 I lost my job. By Jan 1st 2009 I had also lost my health insurance. When you lose your job most companies kindly hand you a little packet on signing up for unemployment health insurance through COBRA. Which sounds nice and all, until you read it and see the part where it says that COBRA health insurance will cost you $385 bucks a MONTH.

Um. I just lost my job. Where in the HELL am I supposed to get $385 bucks a month to let alone feed myself? I’ll wear a helmet when I cross the street from now on, but thanks for the offer!

I honestly thought I would find another job by the end of Jan, and have health insurance through a company by the end of March at the latest. I figured I would be careful as I could, stock up on birth control through Planned Parenthood, and cross my fingers. Yeah. About that whole job by the end of January thing, turns out it wasn’t that easy.

Most people would just wait out the whole no health insurance thing and hope for the best. Me, I happen to be one of those people who finds a way to become dangerously ill or tragically injured when I lose my health insurance. Like when I was a freshman in college, recently dumped off my folks California HMO and in the middle of trying to figure out how to get myself covered again, SURPRISE! I got tonsillitis. And not the run of the mill tonsillitis either, I got the I’M GOING TO FUCKING DIE I CAN’T SWALLOW, BREATHE, OR EVEN SLEEP version of tonsillitis. Have you ever tried to home treat yourself from an illness like this? Because I did. With everclear. Yeah. It helps with the pain, but surprisingly enough it does nothing for the infection. Who knew? So when Everclear wasn’t clearing up my condition, there I was, one of those statistics you read about, walking my broke ass into the ER to receive much needed medical attention.

Question. Have you ever been in such pain, wishing for a doctor but unable to go to one because you weren’t covered? Have you ever been forced to self medicate until your condition got so bad you could finally go to the ER for treatment? If you haven’t then I am honestly happy for you. But there are those of us who have been there and it’s a lonely feeling knowing that there is no one to help you. You feel sick for resorting to those measures, being a statistic people spit out of their mouth like bile, but there comes a time when you honestly have no other choice. Reminder, this is AMERICA. The birth land of Starbucks, Apple, PBR, and Burt and Ernie.

So why are we not all covered again?

Sorry a little off track there. So yeah, then there was the ER visit I mentioned before that nearly forced me to drop out of college to pay off the huge bill. FUN TIMES! Years gone by without an eye exam, oh and the dentist? When it comes to the dentist, there is nothing quite as lovely as volunteering your mouth as a 'human class room' so city college students can practice procedures on you. Going to the dentist is never fun. Going to the dentist for 6-8 hours and having not one, but TWO people in your mouth moving at a snails pace detailing out loud each and every move is damn right EVIL.

The things I have done to ensure that my body wouldn’t crumble into a million little pieces…

SO, the moral of this story is that today, November 2st 2009 I FINALLY HAVE MOTHER FUCKING HEALTH INSURANCE through my work. Anyone else pick up on the fact that it took me nearly a year to get employee covered insurance again? A YEAR. In AMERICA. Around March of last year my mother was scared enough for my life to offer to pay for individual coverage at a price that made me ill. Each month that went by with her covering my health insurance out of pocket made me feel like a pathetic excuse for an adult. Being able to call her and thank her for being able to step in, thank her for protecting me, thank her for being willing to make that sacrifice, and then tell her I’ve finally got my own coverage and she no longer needs to help MADE MY YEAR.

My coverage is lame at best. Messed up copays, deductibles I don’t even want to think about, and you best believe I’ll never fill a prescription at these prices, but just knowing I have something to fall back on if my health decides to slip finally enables me sleep better at night.

It's a sad reality that so many others aren't able to sleep as soundly as I will tonight.

Comments

[Emmy]

i remember that ER visit! you squirted blood everywhere! Im glad you have coverage now...

[Jen A.]

I can't say I've ever been in your insurance shoes before, but the *fear* of being left to wander through this world without insurance has definitely caused me to pause my dreams, to look around and wonder what sorts of life preservers I'd accept if I didn't have insurance of my own, through my work. Non-work insurance is so expensive (my sister sells stock to pay for hers); I don't know how I'd accept help for that sort of consistent wallet-raping. Once again, congratulations to you for making it through a scary year, and ConGraTulAtionS! on being covered again! :)

[parker]

Well, I spose you can chance to roller derby without a helmet now, eh?! I was literally laughing so hard i got told to quiet down in my office cube when i recalled the trodden, pitiful face with swollen tonsils pleading me to help...WTF were we thinking?!?!?!? Everclear really?! You know on second thought maybe we just didnt try hard enough. Damn Mercer study rooms just dont offer the same conveniences of an emergency room. :)

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

PARKER, although we didn't succeed, we sure did give it the o'l college try! Honestly, I think we just needed to up the dosage of the Everclear. :)

And to all worried readers, I BOUGHT A HELMET, ELBOW PADS, KNEE PADS, AND WRIST GUARDS for derby. But I already managed to earn myself a sweet ass bruise on my side, so I guess i forgot the side pads.... More details, and pictures of bruises to come soon, I promise!

[Junket Juice]

I get this post more than you know! So glad to have read it!

[Carmie]

The whole dang system is jacked up! The problem is the insurance companies in my opinion with these astronomical premiums. I remember the days when I paid nothing, zero, nil, nada, niente at two of my first gigs after college. Now, I pay for my own healthcare $305.20/month. And, I hear that is cheap! Makes me want to rethink the whole "working from home following my dreams entrepreneur thing."

[Emily]

I hear you on this one. So I "lost" my job this summer (long/obnoxious story) and with it, of course, insurance... I was excited by the COBRA packet I received in the mail, but had the same reaction when I realized how much it would still cost me!! What the hell?! Because when you're unemployed it's the perfect time to start spending almost $400/month on insurance...

Then of course, ME, the person who always brags about having an awesome immune system, a) gets an infection and needs expensive antibiotics, b) shortly after has an extreme allergy attack and has to go spend $$$ out of pocket to see an emergency allergist and get hella prescriptions, and then c) to add insult to injury, runs out of birth control pills. SO AWESOME.

I have work now, but still no insurance. Oh well. All we can do is sit here and be pissed about it, I guess. (Wow, I'm such an activist.)

PS I'm a friend of Patrick's who also blogs, he kept telling me to check out your website and I finalllllly remembered to, uh, today! ha!

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

EMILY, I am the same way. Each time my insurance lapses I make the comment, "It's ok. I am really healthy." And then I get the bubonic plague AND scurvy an hour later.

It's a surprising bitch trying to stay alive.

Thanks so much for checking out my blog! And which Patrick are you friends with? (don't have to leave last names in the comments...) And why don't I know about Patrick's blog????? Me = bad friend apparently.

[Emily]

Oh oops, I guess I wasn't clear. First of all, I am the one who blogs (www.emilyteachout.com holla!), not him, which is why he keeps telling me to read YOUR blog. And I am talking about the one and only Patrick Conrick, I'm going to go ahead and put last name out there, sorry if you get e-stalkers, Pat.

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

EMILY, haha I read your comment WAY TOO FAST! I read the line 'Patrick who also blogs' and thought you were saying he had a blog!

I checked out your blog after your first comment and promptly added it to my google reader :)

[Rio Gringa]

How pertinent, especially since Congress is debating health care reform as I write...

I moved back to the US in May with no insurance, so naturally I got an infection and spent $400 on it, not to mention a minor surgery that I had to pay for out of pocket (another $300). So it sounded like a good idea to get insurance, so I signed up for a low-income program they have in NY state, since I was unemployed at the time. It was around $290 a month but I soon discovered they'd secretly given me a shitty subplan that no one accepted, so I went through an enormous hassle to switch HMOs within the same state program, and I now pay $313. My husband in the meantime is uninsured, but $300 a month is not exactly affordable with the little we're each making now. Basically, I can relate, big time.

[lacoste shoes]

Happy are the families where the government of parents is the reign of affection, and obedience of the children the submission to love.Do you understand?