CHRISTMAS LESSONS

I really hope your Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza/Boxing Day/WinterSolstice/You Have The Whole Weekend Off Anyway From Work So Why Don’t You Have Another Drink weekend was fantabulous. Mine was brought to you by twenty degree weather, amazing cocktails, reading, light snow, hot tub soaks, sleeping in, midday naps, walks with puppies, afternoon movies, and FOOD.

I went into this weekend terrified, filled with grief, and excited out of my mind.

I know, conflicted much?

****

In the end I learned a lot of odd things about myself as a result of being a total douche canoe and canceling Christmas with my family some 20 odd days before they were supposed to arrive on my doorstep. One of which being that I might not be as strong as I would like to believe.

When I lost my job last December everyone was so confident in me and my abilities. Hell, so was I at first. Over drinks a week or so into my job search friends joked about how I should be thrilled I was laid off in December because now I had a month long Christmas break, and by February I would be back in the workforce dreaming of those glorious days of unemployment.

We all clinked glasses to my sudden fortune.

When things seemed unlikely to get better any time soon the positivity regarding my ability to handle this life hurdle continued to pour in.

"You'll find something. I have faith in you."
"They would be idiots not to hire you."
"Think of the adventure! You can start a new career!"
"I'm proud of how mature you're being with this whole sudden change. I would be losing my mind."
“Think of all the free time. Cherish this.”


And in most respects I WAS being mature and strong, and I was wearing fucking rose colored glasses about the fact that one day I was headed on a very specific career path, and then all of a sudden I wasn't, and suddenly I was moving to a city I had never visited, to buy a house, and get a dog, and try to find a new job/career, and OMG I HAVE NO FRIENDS, and hello boyfriend, nice to live with you all of a sudden!

God, when I write it all out it really has been the longest mind fuck year, ever.



BUT, I have done it. And yes there have been some serious meltdowns, and confusion, and soul sucking disappointment, and days where I curse this whole roller coaster I went on unwillingly. But I also have these moments where I'm like,  “Look at me, finally finding a job, making new friends, buying a house, raising a puppy, pushing myself to try new scary things like roller derby, loving living with my boyfriend, and being a strong healthy ADULT! Gold Star!”

Yet as much as I want to pat myself on the back for handling what at times feels like a mess of epic proportions, I am also finding that I am so very fragile inside. A friend of mine remarked recently that she has never in her life known me to be so damn tearful. I cry constantly, I require propping up and excessive amounts of coddling, my feelings are hurt so very easily, and the confidence that I once carried around proudly slung over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes is now this tiny lump of coal I casually store in my back pocket.

I wanted so badly to continue to be this strong amazing adult woman through this year like everyone believes I am. The sort of woman who buys a home like it's no big deal, has people at her house for Thanksgiving without batting an eyelash, who invites her family for lengthy Christmas breaks, and the kind of woman who looks at life and all its struggles and fucking laughs in its face.

I did. I wanted to be her so much.

But, I don't think I am.

Just yet.


This year I messed up because I realized I wasn't that strong woman far too late in the game. I revealed to my family the reality of my weaknesses and my desire to be coddled and cared for too close to their visit. I cut them so very deeply because no one had time to process the things I was admitting, the reality that I didn't have the strength to be the center piece, and until I said it out loud they might not have even guessed I was struggling. For that I will always be so very sorry.

When it was all said and done and I was sitting in Bend, OR decompressing after the longest year of my life with Adam's family, two states away from my own family, I finally realized something.

No matter how sorry I may be for hurting them, I don't have to be sorry for being weak.

Not this year.

Comments

[Kristy]

Fantastic entry. It is when we are raw that other's can learn from us and we can in turn be stronger for it. In my mind that's what blogging is for or should be for...or is best because of.

When we admit our own fears, we can only gain. When we admit our weaknesses we can then remove them and be stronger. We don't have to be perfect...we just need to be authentic. I'm proud of you. As crazy as that may sound to some...I am.

My grandmother has a wonderful saying, "What does not kill you...does not kill you." I do believe these things make us better, tougher, stronger...but it's not an overnight transformation, well all have our own timelines. And sometimes we just need to let go, give up, give in...and falter. It's ok.

[Jen_Ann_W]

Ash, we're a lot alike in this way. We're very self-critical, and expect way too much of ourselves, and think that when we show weakness of any sort that the people around us are hurt and disappointed and upset. While I'm still struggling with the self-critical part of myself, I have started to come to terms with the fact that the people around me that actually matter, that love me no matter what - LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT. If I flail around and panic and suddenly have to shut down and hide, they understand and they care - they aren't hurt or disappointed at all. I'm guessing it's the same with the people that love you, too.

Here's hoping that 2010 is the turning point you need to gain that confidence back!

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

KRISTY -- I love that quote, "What does not kill you...does not kill you." Because it really is true. Sometimes what does not kill you does not immediately make one stronger. Sometimes you have to fall down, and kick and scream and cry and flail before you do in fact ever become stronger.

Thank you for those kind words.

It makes being honest about my life, my feelings, and my faults so much easier knowing there are people out there willing to catch me.

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

JEN ANN -- It is hard sometimes to remember that those who love you understand the parts of yourself that make you a less than perfect being. I congratulate and admire you for being able to work on the self critical side of yourself. THAT should be one of my New Years Resolutions.

Thanks for the comment, it means a lot.

[Jen_Ann_W]

Oh the Self-Critic is still running rampant, but at least I know she's there... a wily wee bitch, that one. :-) I'll stomp her eventually.

[Penelope]

Really great entry :)

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

Thank you Penelope. It means a lot.

[Joy Jenkins]

You're awesome Ash. High five for making it through last year nonsense and this years holiday madness. One more year stronger.
Great post.

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

JOY --  *high five right back*

[Chelsea Talks Smack]

mine was pretty lovely...there was alot of BOOOOOZE involved. lol.

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

Chelsea -- Oh, there was a healthy helping of booze at mine as well. I think it is really the only way to make it through ANY family function.

[Startup Wife]

This was really honest and compelling. It can be so, so earthshattering to have something like that happen, and have it just mess with your whole self-image and question who you really are. My husband, who has always been the stable rational one in our marriage, has been having panic attacks lately and it's totally made him feel like he's someone else altogether. And for you to be moving somewhere new, and with someone new--intense!

Just subscribed to your blog. :)

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

Startup Wife -- Thank you for your great comment, AND subscribing to my blog. I'll head over to yours and stalk it while I'm recovering from NYE tomorrow.

I completely agree that when you experience something life changing and mood altering it can be hard to look back at yourself and even recognize the person you've become. I've had a variety of people remark this year how different I am, and the more I look at it, the more I see I've simply lost ALL my self esteem.

I'm hoping with help, and a little work, 2010 can be the year I bring it back.

Thanks again for reading!