The Accidental Olympian

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS...

ARE FOR PUSSIES.

OK. That's a lie, I don't even believe that, but it threw you off a bit didn't it?

Score.


But seriously, do you make New Years Resolutions? I don't. Well, that's actually a lie too now that I think about it. There are TWO resolutions back from my high school days that I still remember making and then completing.

See, I used to pick my nose in public A LOT. I am pretty sure that the larger your nose is, the more likely you are to collect stalagmite sized boogers in your nose cave. Seeing as my nose is freakishly large (Thanks Mom!), it has just always been my talent to collect, and then remove the massive boogers that live in my nose. Because of this unfortunate curse I used to pick with abandon. Sort of like a, "You'd do it too if you had this nose," sort of middle finger to the world.

Then I started high school. And suddenly I realized something had to change. If they didn't I was pretty sure I was going to get beat up or tossed in a locker, or something equally cliché. I had been openly picking my nose for quite a long time, enough time to have most all of the people in my life comment on it once, or twice, or lets be honest, probably like 700 times. So to scale back the public humiliation I made a resolution to cut that shit out. At least in public that is.

And I totally did it!

That year I cut back my public nose picking at LEAST 75%.

Impressive right?

You don't seem very impressed.

Another memorable resolution would be my sophomore year resolution to lose my virginity.

Yep. Sorry Dad. And Mom. And all relatives and close family friends who read this. HI EVERYONE! LOVE YOU! Feel free to skip this post and come back tomorrow!

But it's true. That year I joked with friends that my resolution was to lose my virginity. It was seriously lame and I was sick of toting it around with me all the time. It didn't fit in my purse any longer and always clashed with my outfit. And hot damn if four months later I didn’t just go ahead and check off that New Years Resolution! Not nearly as spectacular as I'd hoped though I should add. What with it being in a garage, on a couch, and lasting like 2 minutes and all. Oh well.

Be careful what you wish for kids!

This is all a very long winded and embarrassing way of saying that this year my New Years Resolution will be, well nothing.

They're lame.

And when I do make them they never come true.

Unless of course I make a resolution involving nose picking or my virginity.

And I obviously already have those two topics TOTALLY under control.

 

BEND

Do you remember the movie All Dogs Go To Heaven? It was a total joke. Dogs, dying and heading up into the heavens? Flying around in the clouds with halos and shit? PLEASE. I am pretty sure even the Christians were offended by that one.

In reality I am pretty sure that when a dog dies it makes a quick pass over Rainbow Bridge and then receives a pass to enter into the REAL Dog Heaven, which is more commonly known as Bend, Oregon.

CHRISTMAS LESSONS

I really hope your Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza/Boxing Day/WinterSolstice/You Have The Whole Weekend Off Anyway From Work So Why Don’t You Have Another Drink weekend was fantabulous. Mine was brought to you by twenty degree weather, amazing cocktails, reading, light snow, hot tub soaks, sleeping in, midday naps, walks with puppies, afternoon movies, and FOOD.

I went into this weekend terrified, filled with grief, and excited out of my mind.

I know, conflicted much?

****

In the end I learned a lot of odd things about myself as a result of being a total douche canoe and canceling Christmas with my family some 20 odd days before they were supposed to arrive on my doorstep. One of which being that I might not be as strong as I would like to believe.

When I lost my job last December everyone was so confident in me and my abilities. Hell, so was I at first. Over drinks a week or so into my job search friends joked about how I should be thrilled I was laid off in December because now I had a month long Christmas break, and by February I would be back in the workforce dreaming of those glorious days of unemployment.

We all clinked glasses to my sudden fortune.

When things seemed unlikely to get better any time soon the positivity regarding my ability to handle this life hurdle continued to pour in.

"You'll find something. I have faith in you."
"They would be idiots not to hire you."
"Think of the adventure! You can start a new career!"
"I'm proud of how mature you're being with this whole sudden change. I would be losing my mind."
“Think of all the free time. Cherish this.”


And in most respects I WAS being mature and strong, and I was wearing fucking rose colored glasses about the fact that one day I was headed on a very specific career path, and then all of a sudden I wasn't, and suddenly I was moving to a city I had never visited, to buy a house, and get a dog, and try to find a new job/career, and OMG I HAVE NO FRIENDS, and hello boyfriend, nice to live with you all of a sudden!

God, when I write it all out it really has been the longest mind fuck year, ever.



BUT, I have done it. And yes there have been some serious meltdowns, and confusion, and soul sucking disappointment, and days where I curse this whole roller coaster I went on unwillingly. But I also have these moments where I'm like,  “Look at me, finally finding a job, making new friends, buying a house, raising a puppy, pushing myself to try new scary things like roller derby, loving living with my boyfriend, and being a strong healthy ADULT! Gold Star!”

Yet as much as I want to pat myself on the back for handling what at times feels like a mess of epic proportions, I am also finding that I am so very fragile inside. A friend of mine remarked recently that she has never in her life known me to be so damn tearful. I cry constantly, I require propping up and excessive amounts of coddling, my feelings are hurt so very easily, and the confidence that I once carried around proudly slung over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes is now this tiny lump of coal I casually store in my back pocket.

I wanted so badly to continue to be this strong amazing adult woman through this year like everyone believes I am. The sort of woman who buys a home like it's no big deal, has people at her house for Thanksgiving without batting an eyelash, who invites her family for lengthy Christmas breaks, and the kind of woman who looks at life and all its struggles and fucking laughs in its face.

I did. I wanted to be her so much.

But, I don't think I am.

Just yet.


This year I messed up because I realized I wasn't that strong woman far too late in the game. I revealed to my family the reality of my weaknesses and my desire to be coddled and cared for too close to their visit. I cut them so very deeply because no one had time to process the things I was admitting, the reality that I didn't have the strength to be the center piece, and until I said it out loud they might not have even guessed I was struggling. For that I will always be so very sorry.

When it was all said and done and I was sitting in Bend, OR decompressing after the longest year of my life with Adam's family, two states away from my own family, I finally realized something.

No matter how sorry I may be for hurting them, I don't have to be sorry for being weak.

Not this year.

AN OLY-TASTIC CHRISTMAS

Adam, Oly and I would like to wish you and yours a MERRY CHRISTMAS! Or whatever it is you choose to celebrate this December.

Oly would come on over and wish you a holly jolly day herself, but she's too busy being in heaven. She's already told me she has no intention of ever coming home with us. She's going to live on this rug right in front of the fire for the rest of her days. 

Oly has also alerted us to the fact that Christmas chew toys beat regular chew toys any day. They're festive, and tasty, and people keep giving them to her as distraction methods. And with all the new people around to meet this weekend, there are plenty of opportunities to deploy distraction techniques.

Even better than the fire, and the special treats are the walks. Walks without leashes, walks near large bodies of water, walks that last for hours, and walks that include unbridled chasing of squirrels, bunnies, ducks, and discovery of elk poop.

It's a doggy Christmas miracle.

OH DECEMBER. HOW I'VE FAILED YOU.

When I was little the month of December was something I counted down to, a month that I ached for, loved with my ENTIRE being because I felt it was completely and utterly magical in every sense of the word. And not simply because Santa was coming. I mean, he was cool and all while he lasted, but he was exposed as a fraud somewhere in the early days. Right around the time a trip to my mother's closet uncovered THE AMERICAN GIRL DOLL I ASKED SANTA TO GIVE ME FOR CHRISTMAS. Poof, there went that dream. After that little discovery, December very quickly became much more about magic all month long than the one day of Santa. 

Yet, as I’ve aged it seems my love affair with December is beginning to fray at the edges. This December will officially go down in the record books as one of the hardest, and least magical yet.

This will always be the December where I got caught up in all the wrong things. The year where the question of if I had enough decorations to make my home truly CHRISTMASY nearly drove me off the edge financially, and mentally. The year where I allowed my anxiety to swirl into a tangled mess and push away the people in this world who love me the deepest. It’s the December where in an effort to feel less GUILTY about all the people I’d hurt manifested into a spending spree of epic proportions far beyond my capabilities. Instead of dealing with my decision and my issues like someone who wears big girl pants I instead ran around like a crazy person and tried to single handedly pull us out of a recession. Whooo—hoooo high five for mindless guilt ridden spending!

How ever did I get so tremendously lost?  How could it be possible to wreck the holiday I cherish the most? Instead of being over the moon excited for this holiday weekend to start, a holiday I’ve grown to love for the way it transforms people, places and memories, instead I am wishing it away as fast as possible. We leave for Bend, OR tonight to spend Christmas with Adam's parents, and all I am doing is hoping I can wake up and it be 2010. Please let it be 2010 already. Is it 2010 yet? No? Damn.

It's all so terribly sad. And I can't begin to explain how terribly tired I am. 

As I swim around in all these confusing emotions, I wish you a December of my past. Hell maybe even a Hanukah (my Jewish brotherin, please explain to me why there are TWO ways to spell Hanukah. Sometimes you see it with a C, sometimes an H. I need help. Love your confused pagan friend, Ashley), Kwanzaa, Christmas or even Winter Solstice if it makes you merry. May it be filled with twinkle lights, food, inviting candle light, laughter, games, conversation, memories, joy, love, family and wonder. Or really, whatever a wonderful holiday means to YOU.

May we all be a little better to one another, and learn valuable lessons from our mistakes.

I know that’s my only Christmas wish this year.