OH DECEMBER. HOW I'VE FAILED YOU.

When I was little the month of December was something I counted down to, a month that I ached for, loved with my ENTIRE being because I felt it was completely and utterly magical in every sense of the word. And not simply because Santa was coming. I mean, he was cool and all while he lasted, but he was exposed as a fraud somewhere in the early days. Right around the time a trip to my mother's closet uncovered THE AMERICAN GIRL DOLL I ASKED SANTA TO GIVE ME FOR CHRISTMAS. Poof, there went that dream. After that little discovery, December very quickly became much more about magic all month long than the one day of Santa. 

Yet, as I’ve aged it seems my love affair with December is beginning to fray at the edges. This December will officially go down in the record books as one of the hardest, and least magical yet.

This will always be the December where I got caught up in all the wrong things. The year where the question of if I had enough decorations to make my home truly CHRISTMASY nearly drove me off the edge financially, and mentally. The year where I allowed my anxiety to swirl into a tangled mess and push away the people in this world who love me the deepest. It’s the December where in an effort to feel less GUILTY about all the people I’d hurt manifested into a spending spree of epic proportions far beyond my capabilities. Instead of dealing with my decision and my issues like someone who wears big girl pants I instead ran around like a crazy person and tried to single handedly pull us out of a recession. Whooo—hoooo high five for mindless guilt ridden spending!

How ever did I get so tremendously lost?  How could it be possible to wreck the holiday I cherish the most? Instead of being over the moon excited for this holiday weekend to start, a holiday I’ve grown to love for the way it transforms people, places and memories, instead I am wishing it away as fast as possible. We leave for Bend, OR tonight to spend Christmas with Adam's parents, and all I am doing is hoping I can wake up and it be 2010. Please let it be 2010 already. Is it 2010 yet? No? Damn.

It's all so terribly sad. And I can't begin to explain how terribly tired I am. 

As I swim around in all these confusing emotions, I wish you a December of my past. Hell maybe even a Hanukah (my Jewish brotherin, please explain to me why there are TWO ways to spell Hanukah. Sometimes you see it with a C, sometimes an H. I need help. Love your confused pagan friend, Ashley), Kwanzaa, Christmas or even Winter Solstice if it makes you merry. May it be filled with twinkle lights, food, inviting candle light, laughter, games, conversation, memories, joy, love, family and wonder. Or really, whatever a wonderful holiday means to YOU.

May we all be a little better to one another, and learn valuable lessons from our mistakes.

I know that’s my only Christmas wish this year.

Comments

[Penelope]

I'm sorry :(

“I think we all wish we could erase some dark times in our lives. But all of life's experiences, bad and good, make you who you are. Erasing any of life's experiences would be a great mistake.”
Luis Miguel

I hope you have a lovely December 23rd and a very Merry Christmas...even if it's not turning out the way you hoped.

~P

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

Penelope -- Thank you for your kind wishes. I agree with that quote you left. Although I wish at times that I had a magical button to fix this holiday, to take back canceling Christmas with my family, there is the other side of me that is happy I cant move backwards. Even though this has been a horrible month in a lot of ways, I did learn a lot. This experience finally got me into therapy (and no matter who you are, lets be honest we could all use a little couch time), has taught me that I should stop and think about the sort of things I can and cannot handle and be ok announcing when I dont think I can do something, and it has also reinforced the importance of my family in my life.

Life lessons are a BITCH though let me tell you.

But we have to learn them somehow right?

I hope you and your little man have a wonderful holiday.

Thanks so much for reading,

[Colleen]

Hang in there, girl. 2010 is going to be a fabulous year. I just know it, and not simply because I am comforted by numbers that end in 0.

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

Colleen -- I am comforted in knowing that you find comfort in numbers ending in 0. :)

[mona]

I love numbers ending in 0. Because I am bad at math and 0's are so much easier to add. Here's to 2010, Ashley!

[Naomi Evarts]

Ashley, while I am sitting at home in sunny SY I will be thinking of you in your white xmas and in your honor will try and find some baby squirrels to eat. (this sounds strange to other readers, we do not eat REAL baby squirrels).

Then, after eating baby squirrels I will drive around aimlessly wasting gas because there is nothing else to do in SY. Thank god for the Prius.

Finally, I will partake in some NYE celebrations in SB. Although I will not have to use my fake ID (flashback 2005 fake ID in Buellton for vodka) I hope it will be great. We will not be able to share the same toilet (disappointing) but let's hope we don't throw up at all?

2010 will be OKAY my friend. Think of the tryly great things that did happen in 2009 (like your house and living with Adam) and know that 2010 can only bring more life lessons and happiness.

PS - next year we should really go on that Mexican vacation we've been planning since high school.

[Naomi Evarts]

I spelled "truly" tryly. Whoops. :)

[Rachel]

Hope you have a good holiday even though it's been a rough month!

As for Hanukah, I think it's because in English there's no one way to make that guttural sound of the h at the beginning of the word.

[Jen A.]

"This will always be the December where I got caught up in all the wrong things."

Today, after feeling miserable and thinking that the only thing I could say in response to your post was, "Amen," I finally figured out why I never felt like I was done shopping this year (even if my bank account could barely handle the first onslaught back over the summer -- what can I say? I start early, when on travel.)

Christmas has always been Mom, Dad, my sis and I. Small group. For the past 5 or so years, with Sis in a Big Relationship, that solid number Four was threatened by becoming a Three or even a Five, depending on where she and the Boy were celebrating the holidays. Now the Boy is no more, and the solid Four is an unhappy, squishy and bah-humbugy Four.

But what I remember about Christmas past is the magic of waking up Christmas morning and spending all of that Quality Time with those other Three people -- cups of coffee in-hand, dogs upstairs for the first time all year (this is different now, with Sister's two dogs who are upstairs all the time), and only the presents underneath the tree separating us from Magic Time and After Magic Time. Because after all the presents were opened, we'd start a fire upstairs in the fireplace and after a few minutes, Dad would disappear into the basement. Mom would start puttering around the kitchen or with a DVD. Sis would start reading or get on the phone. It was officially Over.

But I like the Magic Time, when we were all together around the tree and talking and opening presents. So this year, when no one was interested in trying to get into the Christmas spirit or put those little Time Savers under the tree, I took it upon myself.

Uh... Yeah.

So you know what? GOODBYE 2009!!! You've been only marginally okay. WELCOME 2010!!! May you be full of promise from the onset, and be capable of showing us all a great follow-through! :)

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

Thanks Mona!

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

NAOMI -- OH your SY vacation sounds lovely! Ill be there in spirit k?

And yes, I totally agree that 2010 sounds like the year where we FINALLY go on that Mexican vacation. Can we go now?

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

RACHEL -- Thanks for the kind words. OH, and thanks for the heads up on Hanukah. Too bad the way my spell checker told me to spell it was with two kks! Me and Hanukah are just not off to a very good start this year.

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

JEN -- I know what youre talking about with that moment when your family is all together, smiling, opening presents and sharing that magic of Christmas. I fear I was the one this year to destroy the magic of Christmas for my own family. In a perfect world I would have realized I couldnt host the holiday in September or something, and then would have traded in their plane tickets for a ticket home for myself so we could still all be together.

Im sorry youre having a humbug Christmas as well.

If nothing else, thankfully 2010 is so close I can almost taste it. Lets hope it lives up to the hype weve all give it!

[Lilly]

I really appreciate your honesty. So many people hype up the holidays to be the best time of year (which they can be) but they can also be really stressful and anxiety-inducing. But it sounds like you got your one wish - to learn from your mistakes and be better to others, which it sounds like you're doing. So here's to 2010!

And I thought you might appreciate this quote: "an optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." - Bill Vaughn

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

LILLY -- I love that quote. I've been labeled as a classic pessimist throughout my life, but there have been times where I've worked tirelessly to bring optimism into my life.

I think 2010 needs to be a year for optimism. I'm pretty sure we could all use a little more optimism these days right?