FIFTEEN

I am 15 again.

I am terrified of lunch break once again because it means that I have to spend another meal hiding from people, ducking into the social pariah lunch zone known as the locker room because it’s the only place my friends and I feel we might not be sneered at, or bitched at, or God forbid LOOKED AT by a more popular specimen of the high school race.

I say I'm 15 again because in all honesty, derby is the most confusing liberating awesome mind fuck of an experience I've been through in quite a while, and the emotions that have been bubbling to the surface lately feel so reminiscent of those high school years.

*****

I still leave for practice filled with nerves. Less and less nerves as the time has gone on, but nerves none the less.

I walk into the room and it’s loud, and has this very specific smell of 'rink' that I know will stick to my clothes long after I've left, and I can't help but think to myself, I like that about the rink, that I can take it home with me. There are people sitting together, apart, talking, silent, confused, confident.

I walk in, eyes scanning the group quickly, and then I take my seat. Focus on my skates, pads, helmet, don't focus on them.

Speak when spoken too.

Don’t stand out.

It's in the silence, stillness, calm where I hear it the loudest. I long to skate till my feet bleed, until my lungs feel as if filled with fire, my muscles screaming endlessly for a break if only to keep the childish voice in my head from speaking.

Don't stand out.

Each time I catch a conversation where someone whispers something evil, spiteful or derogative about another player, usually a less experienced player like myself, I feel myself grow smaller.

Don’t stand out.

But I do. I know I do. Just as we did at 15. Even in our hiding spot in the locker room we weren’t concealed completely.

I always leave with a checklist of things to do next time. Don’t correct others. Don’t act like you know what you’re talking about. Stop trying to make stupid jokes with the experienced players. Stay away from HER. Get HER to like you. Figure out why THAT one seems to hate you so much. Stop being such a little bitch and get over it.

This never ending checklist has nothing to do with my actual derby skills, and always has to do my people skills.

And yet no matter how much it terrifies or bewilders me, it also invigorates and inspires me. How can that be? How can it be possible for it to lift me up, encourage, give me strength and power, yet also dredge up some of my deepest insecurities?

Who is this scared woman I've become?

And more importantly, HOW DO I GET RID OF HER?

 Ashley, the Accidental Olympian

Comments

[Rachel]

Oh the joys of social anxiety and repressed high school memories.

I was thinking about this today, too, since a girl from high school thought it would be a cute idea to spend her Sunday scanning photos from high school and uploading them to Facebook for everyone to comment on and I just want to be like, "Keep those in the basement where they belong!"

Right there, in your post, is why I have been terrified to go back to ballet class (not to mention that it's insanely expensive). I don't know if I can handle the bitchy estrogen mess that is fifty women in a room trying to compete to see who is better. I need to go though, I'm losing my marbles, so kudos to you for working through your fears.

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

RACHEL -- The hardest thing for me about something like high school is as difficult and utterly confusing my freshman year was, I quickly built up a set of armor that protected and helped me throughout the rest of my days. From then on me and my shield moved through HS with ease and outward confidence.

The thing that's been hardest about this whole derby roller coaster is the lack of that shell. Although I've always carried the social anxiety and fear of judgment through my life, this is the first time where I feel truly vulnerable to nearly everything. I'm like a sponge these days.

It's amazing how something so seemly simple, 'losing your job' can seep in and affect all these other aspects of yourself. What a mind field.

Oh, and go to ballet! If derby has taught me anything it's that working through the scary shit has it's rewards.

[TheWordWire]

I don't know how you get rid of her, but I love that you've posed the question. Love this entry. Hits close to home, Derby girl.

[Drea]

15, 25. A decade has passed, and nothing really changes.

[Emily]

My roller derby roommate feels the same way. What is with these girls? And is it female-specific? I kind of think so. I feel like my guy friends who participate in team sports and whatnot have a great deal of camaraderie and friendship, whereas my girl friends who are in derby and dance go through all this self consciousness and competition and passive-aggressive bullshit... why?!??!

This is why I don't participate in group activities with people I don't know, and stick to hobbies like writing, cooking, and uh.. watching TV. (yep, "hobbies".)

And in response to your Cactus suggestion from forever ago (cuz I suck at timely commenting) yes, I love that place, I went there for the first/only time last Valentine's Day and I still remember how much I looooved it. Maybe time for a repeat.

[Ashley, the Accidental Olympian]

EMILY -- I agree that there is this weird thing with women and group sports/activities that doesn't exist with men. It's as if we're always out to get one another, out do one another and we're entirely unable to just fucking have a good time already!

Although this sort of issue has plagued me since my junior high competitive softball days, I'm finally (with the help of an overpaid professional) gotten to a place where I'm working to turn down the voices.

Maybe one of these days I can be just 'one of the guys' and stop giving a rats ass what anyone thinks of me.

Maybe someday.