But ok, no need to bitch about it, it wasn’t a surprise when I moved here some 6 years ago. It’s not like I selected the University of Palm Springs, showed up and was all, “WTF! NOWHERE IN THE BROCHURE DID THEY MENTION 8 MONTHS OF RELENTLESS RAIN! I WANT MY MONEY BACK DAMN IT!” As I drove north with my mother for my first day of college all those years ago I knew that the first thing I needed to buy when I hit campus was a raincoat. I think they even suggest it in the UW Freshman Welcome Packet. It would have been listed under the section titled, "Out Of State Fools Who Obviously Never Appreciated The Blissful Weather They Had Growing Up In Southern California."
But you see, Miss Oly, she didn’t really have much of a say in this whole living in the Northwest thing. She was just sort of born one day, and then adopted out by a nice couple who happen to live in Rain City USA. We welcomed her home in the spring, and spent most of her early days enjoying walks in the warm night air, and most afternoons were typically spent lounging in the backyard absorbing direct sunlight. But those days are LONG GONE my friends. Someone forgot to tell her that those months of summer bliss come fast and hot. They are so delightful and delicate so that one forgets all the tireless months of rain looming before you. They blindfold you and cause you to throw around reckless comments such as, “I love the Northwest. These summers totally make the 8 months of rain worth it!”
Silly, silly, sunshine drunk humans.
We’ve quickly come to realize that Oly HATES the rain. Not dislikes, not prefers the summer warmth, not is kind of is impartial to rain, just a flat out HATES with her entire body and soul when water falls from the sky. This dog loves being outside, she loves walks, and she'll lose her mind if she thinks there is a chance she can run off leash. But if you grab the leash, open the door and confront her most delicateness with water falling from the heavens she will actually do an about face and sit right down and refuse to budge. In a, “Uhhh never mind. I think I’ll be ok in doors, thanks though,” sort of way that is both hugely endearing, and hugely IRRITATING.
Getting her to go to the bathroom every morning is like pulling fucking teeth. I literally have to grab her and push her outside with all my might. She’s got her head down, feet planted, ears back and she is determined to hold it in until June if she has to.It is the most draining battle every day, multiples times a day.
Once we’ve forced her outside you have never seen a more pathetic face. She will actually stand there in the pouring rain, ears flat back on her skull, eyes squinted down to tiny little slits, standing on three legs and just glare at us. I get it Oly, it sucks to be forced to use the restroom outside in the cold and the pouring rain. I would probably boycott peeing too if I was forced to pee in the frigid morning storms but come on dog, these are the rules, GET USED TO IT.
I’m just waiting for the day I come home from work to find her things gone and a note where her dog bed used to be that reads,
Dear A-Hole and Butt-Face,
I can’t take this horrible weather another moment. After scouring Craiglist I’ve finally selected a lovely family in Phoenix who are willing to provide me with the sort of environment I crave. I’m eternally sorry this arrangement didn’t work out for both of us.
Best of luck to you both, and enjoy the rain, you water rats.
P.S. I’ve changed my name to Sunshine because I refuse to be associated with such an inhospitable place such as Olympia, WA with all its disgusting rain for even a moment longer. I'm still amazed you ever thought that Oly, an abbreviation for OLYMPIA-the-Land-of-Rain-and-Hell was an appropriate name for me in the first place.
P.S.S. I took the liberty of finding you a dog more suited to the requirements of this climate. His name is Flipper. He’s a truly charming Portuguese Water Dog and I think the match will be much better suited for all parties. He will be moving in this week. I believe you'll have a beautiful life together.
P.S.S.S. You people suck and I hate you.