I know you were worried about that right? What with Sunday being my debut bout as an official roller derby biatch.
I am here to announce to the world that I still have all my limbs, no one punched me in the face, and I not only lived to skate another day, I AM COMPLETELY OBSESSED WITH ROLLER DERBY.
So in other words, talk about some pressure.
Adam was the official camera bitch, but sadly my camera is just a simple little guy and therefore was unable to catch more than a bunch of blurry blobs moving across the track. Seeing as I was playing in a double header you’d assume I would have had some time to snap pictures of my teammates while waiting for my team’s second go round, but that would have required me to use my brain, and my brain was most definitely not functioning.
I’m not even exaggerating when I say that the amounts of adrenalin moving through my system was second only to snorting a gallon sized ziploc bag of coke. And then shooting some heron. To take the edge off of course.
In the end my team stepped on the track virgins, and had our cherries popped so hard Sunday night I bet some of us are still walking funny.
Our group of misfits had NEVER skated in a roller derby bout before in our lives. The team we played told us they too were virgins, told us that together we could fumble around in the dark for one another’s bra straps and walk away a little more knowledgeable of the magic of derby love, but no. Those bitches have been playing for a year.
Needless to say they kicked our asses.
I hope they feel proud.
At first I was flustered. I can’t lie to you. When I was skating in the position of the jammer (the person trying to skate through the pack and score points), it was extremely demoralizing to take hit after hit and be unable to get through the pack. It is hard not to let it get to you when you seem to be physically unable to get past the wall of angry flesh being created by the other team. When the first half ended I won’t pretend I wasn’t a little rocked by a score of 98 to 23.
But then I remembered that my team pretty much all started skating in NOVEMBER. And hell, we’d managed to score 23 points against a team that has competed in multiples of bouts! Go us.
Before our second half we gathered together and the pep talk went something like this, “I love you bitches. Now lets be honest, we are never going to beat those girls out there. So if the only thing we take away from this half is that we improve, then we did an amazing fantastic wonderful job. Now go! Kick much ass!”
And wouldn’t you know it, that next half we went out with our heads held high and knocked some people around. I scored a point or two and sent a few women careening into the sidelines. Girls who had been too terrified to give a hit, let alone take one in the first half slammed their bodies into the opposing team and even knocked a few down. We smiled, and we lost, but when we took our final team lap around the rink people actually stood up and screamed for us.
I am here to announce to the world that I still have all my limbs, no one punched me in the face, and I not only lived to skate another day, I AM COMPLETELY OBSESSED WITH ROLLER DERBY.
Now comes the disappointing part, I have no pictures. Not even one measly shot of me in my getup before I left for the bout. People, you have not felt adrenalin and nerves until you’ve gotten ready for your first roller derby bout where not only a few friends and neighbors will be attending, but also 800 STRANGERS. Reminder, half of the strangers might want to kick your ass in the parking lot at the end of the bout.
And by the way, can
we talk about how wild it is to play a sport where the opposing team’s
fans are likely to tell you to your face they hope you DIE? I will
never forget the first time I got a major (meaning I did something
really wrong and was sent for a ‘timeout’), and as I skated to the
penalty box someone’s MOTHER screamed, “How’s it feel to be a cheater
you little fuck!?!?!?!?!” CLASSY.
So in other words, talk about some pressure.
Adam was the official camera bitch, but sadly my camera is just a simple little guy and therefore was unable to catch more than a bunch of blurry blobs moving across the track. Seeing as I was playing in a double header you’d assume I would have had some time to snap pictures of my teammates while waiting for my team’s second go round, but that would have required me to use my brain, and my brain was most definitely not functioning.
I’m not even exaggerating when I say that the amounts of adrenalin moving through my system was second only to snorting a gallon sized ziploc bag of coke. And then shooting some heron. To take the edge off of course.
In the end my team stepped on the track virgins, and had our cherries popped so hard Sunday night I bet some of us are still walking funny.
Our group of misfits had NEVER skated in a roller derby bout before in our lives. The team we played told us they too were virgins, told us that together we could fumble around in the dark for one another’s bra straps and walk away a little more knowledgeable of the magic of derby love, but no. Those bitches have been playing for a year.
Needless to say they kicked our asses.
I hope they feel proud.
At first I was flustered. I can’t lie to you. When I was skating in the position of the jammer (the person trying to skate through the pack and score points), it was extremely demoralizing to take hit after hit and be unable to get through the pack. It is hard not to let it get to you when you seem to be physically unable to get past the wall of angry flesh being created by the other team. When the first half ended I won’t pretend I wasn’t a little rocked by a score of 98 to 23.
But then I remembered that my team pretty much all started skating in NOVEMBER. And hell, we’d managed to score 23 points against a team that has competed in multiples of bouts! Go us.
Before our second half we gathered together and the pep talk went something like this, “I love you bitches. Now lets be honest, we are never going to beat those girls out there. So if the only thing we take away from this half is that we improve, then we did an amazing fantastic wonderful job. Now go! Kick much ass!”
And wouldn’t you know it, that next half we went out with our heads held high and knocked some people around. I scored a point or two and sent a few women careening into the sidelines. Girls who had been too terrified to give a hit, let alone take one in the first half slammed their bodies into the opposing team and even knocked a few down. We smiled, and we lost, but when we took our final team lap around the rink people actually stood up and screamed for us.
Because you know what, we did it.
Ashley, the Accidental Derby Loving Olympian
Dude. You are just so much cooler than me that I really don't know what to say. :) Way to be seriously tough. Congrats on doing it!!
Posted by: Penelope | 02/15/2010 at 12:24 PM
PENELOPE -- I wouldn't say I am cooler than anyone, just more reckless with my health.
Posted by: Ashley, The Accidental Olympian | 02/15/2010 at 01:16 PM
CONGRATULATIONS on your first bout, Ashley! I'm so excited for you, and I CAN'T WAIT until this is such the old hat for you that you remember to bring your camera to the sidelines! *HUG*
Posted by: Jen A. | 02/15/2010 at 02:46 PM
JEN -- Thanks. It feels weird to have finally put the FIRST behind me. I got word from my coaches that we should have a link to the professional pictures that were taken here within the next week. There might be shots of me in blue tights on the internet after all!
Posted by: Ashley, The Accidental Olympian | 02/15/2010 at 02:53 PM
Congratulations! That sounds absolutely terrifying. 800 people is a lot - that would make me nervous enough, let alone getting attacked by a bunch of angry women. Major kudos!
Posted by: Rachel | 02/15/2010 at 03:33 PM
Girl Put that outfit on and have Adam take a picture. We're dying to see you in it. I know you, I'll bet you gave them a run for their money. Way to roll with it
Posted by: marti | 02/15/2010 at 08:08 PM
Yeah, I must echo Marti: take us a pic with the outfit on!!
Posted by: Penelope | 02/16/2010 at 04:27 AM
I have been in love with roller derby since college. However, in college I didn't have the time - then I had babies. They frown on pregnant women lacing up, I hear. Now that my uterus is empty, I'm looking into trying out with one of the local clubs. Now I just have to convince my husband that it would be awesome...
Congrats on your first bout! Can't wait to see pictures.
Posted by: Sarah | 02/16/2010 at 08:29 AM
SARAH -- DO IT! And then tell me all about it. I need more people in my life I can talk about derby with.
My league has a ton of mothers who play. Practice is pretty much half derby, half wild child daycare. I think the kids like coming to practice more than the players because they run around the rink like a bunch of wild animals.
I say if you have ever even thought you might enjoy playing you must try it. It has been the biggest roller coaster for me emotionally at times, but I am so thrilled I did this that I know I will never be the same. I wish I had gone out years ago. There is something so amazing that derby releases from you, and before you know it you are super woman.
Start tomorrow. I need to swap stories.
Posted by: Ashley, The Accidental Olympian | 02/16/2010 at 08:45 AM
Well, tomorrow won't work... but as soon as I finish my race, I'll start. I will keep you posted. Especially since you're the first person who hasn't said "You're effed up. Please seek counseling immediately". We'll be derby comrades and be awesome.
Posted by: Sarah | 02/16/2010 at 10:50 AM
SARAH -- Ok fine I'll wait until you finish your race. But only because you asked nicely.
You aren't crazy, you are super amazing cool.
It is hard for people to accept high levels of amazingness when it is thrust into their faces. Be patent with them. They too will come around.
Posted by: Ashley, The Accidental Olympian | 02/16/2010 at 11:07 AM
Ashley you guys did awesome, against a team the had way more experience then you did. I am so proud of you all. And do you realize that for quiet awhile there in the beginning of the 2nd half you guys held them back form making forward progress? Again I couldn't be more proud of you ladies.
Posted by: Nerdy lil Secret, Oly Rollers | 02/18/2010 at 10:25 AM
NERDY LIL SECRET -- You know what's funny, I didn't even realize we were holding them back in the second half. By that point we sort of stopped thinking about the score at all, and were just thinking about doing a little better and having fun.
I totally expected my crazy competitive side to take over and turn me into a super wench, but in the end I was just happy to say we did it.
Next time though, we'll kill um.
Posted by: Ashley, The Accidental Olympian | 02/18/2010 at 10:34 AM