PERFORMANCE ANXIETY

I'm sort of in a fight with my body right now.

Or more importantly, I'm in an epic battle with my right knee.


See, on Valentine's Day at 6:30pm yours truly is going to don my brand new Oly Rollers jersey, a tiny black skirt, fishnets, some teal and black socks and my skates and try to knock the crap out of some strangers. I have known about the date of this bout for quite some time, I have attended practices, worked out, studied rules, paid dues, attempted to absorb strategy, felt like a warrior, and felt like I suck all at the same time. Except the reality of my debut bout was always pretty far away so I didn't have to get all anxious and worked up about it.

Until now.

The realization that this is here, that there will be upwards of 300 people in a room, cheering, screaming, yelling, and WATCHING ME either kick ass or suck is starting to turn my skin inside out.

Now I would be nervous about this event no matter what seeing as I only started playing roller derby in November, but throw in the fact that last Sunday morning in practice I managed to screw up my right knee and you've added a whole new level of stress and worry to my plate I can't quite process. Now I am not only stressed about the reality that I need to perform, but I am also praying that ten minutes into the bout I don't have some behemoth roller derby hog land on my knee thereby causing the bottom half of my right leg to separate from my body while all the girls behind me run over my fingers with their skates and then spit on me.

KNEE, THIS IS THE WRONG TIME TO FUCK WITH ME.


The funny thing is that I know the stress and anxiety I am feeling right now over this bout is all tied to my deep seated issues with perfectionism. I can remember all too clearly from my days of travel softball how my brain would overtake my body if I knew that I NEEDED to score a point, NEEDED to catch this ball, NEEDED to win the game in a clinch moment. My brain took the pressure to be perfect, to save the day, to become a hero and made my limbs jello; thereby letting everyone down.

Or at least that's what it felt like at 13.

I can only hope that 12+ years of life have taught me the slightest bits of coping skills.

Right? Maybe?

Dear god Ashley PULL IT TOGETHER!


At the end of the day I know I need to take solace in the fact that HELLO I am playing a sport where I can take out all my frustration and nerves by repeatedly slamming my big ass into the opposing team and thereby making them hit the pavement. And when they get back up, I can legally do it all over again.

Wow. I feel better already.

OH, and if you live in the Northwest, preferably in the South Sound region (but hey if you want to fly in from the East more power to you), and want to see if I really can pull my head out of my ass and stay relatively upright on Sunday please come! I'll even give you a sweaty hug when it's all said and done. Plus, I know Adam is going to need someone to help him reattach all my limbs when this is all over.

 

Ashley, the Terrified Accidental Olympian

Comments

[Ashley]

a.) My ass would be there if I were in the same timezone.

b.) Do they serve booze? Or can I at least sneak in a flask?

c.) How long is your season?

d.) No, really, how long is your season? I hope to be back in the area at the end of summer. Just sayin'...

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

ASHLEY -- So here is our entire schedule for the year,

http://www.olyrollers.com/events.html

Now I am currently on the team called the 'Bella Donnas' because I have never played before and am therefore 'Fresh Meat'. There have been whispers that I will eventually/soon play with the next up team, the 'Dropkick Donnas'.

So, can you count on me playing in a Dropkick bout? No. Is it possible? Yes.

Basically I think I answered your question by saying, "I have no idea, come watch anyway!"

OH, and we aren't serving booze this time, they are working stuff out to open the beer garden. BUT, there is no security so flasks are totally ok. PLUS, after the bouts the teams always go to a local bar for much nonsense and celebration while the girls are still in uniform. It's apparently a RIOT.

Do join us.

[Jen_Ann_W]

Will Adam be taking some photos, I hope?
Also count me in to attend a late-season match (I hope... no, no, I WILL dammit!).

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

JEN -- Yes, Adam will be weilding a camera, a friend will be shooting video, and there will also be a professional photog taking shots as well.

Oh, and I am going to hold you to that late season match!

[AmyMusings]

Ashley by day, Honey Homicide by night!! Wooooooh! Woooooh! Woooooh! That looks like a whole lot of fun! ROCK IT!

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

AMY -- Where were you with a name like 'Honey Homicide' when I was trying to pick a derby name? Classic.

[AmyMusings]

I stole Honey Homicide from that ESPN video on one of your previous posts. Good one, huh? She wasn't the massage therapist by day, or the mom of five kids. I think she was the pizza delivery lady. TIP your pizza deliverer!

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

AMY -- OH, now I totally remember who you are talking about. Seems I need to go back and rewatch my content. I loved the pizza delivery woman in the video. It is a pretty real representation of derby women though, I mean we are all normal people during the day, and at night we put on our skates and slam into one another!

What a world we live in.

[TheWordWire]

Good luck -- you'll do great. Can't wait to read about how you had the time of your life. Pictures please.

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

WORD WIRE -- No worries there will be pleanty of pictures I promise. I'm really hoping the photographer gets at least one of me getting smacked around!

[Junket]

If I was there I would TOTALLY go and support you tonight. I love that you are doing this!!!!!! Can't wait to hear all about it!