The Accidental Olympian

ANNIVERSARY

Anniversary posts about blogs sort of make me gag, but I'll subject you to this one because I enjoy watching you suffer. Plus, this is MY blog, so I'll do what I want!

Really though, I'll put you through this because your weird spot on the internet only turns one, once.

I promise to NOT make this a yearly thing.

But then again, I don't keep promises very well so check in in 2011 to see if I kept my end of the deal.




A year ago I sat in my new living room messing around on my computer while Adam fiddled at the dinning room table. I had followed a few blogs in a mildly stalkerish manner for nearly a year and absolutely loved each one, worshiping the people behind the magic a tad too much, and always feeling completely and utterly incapable of their type of craft and mastery.

Yet people continued to push.

You should start a blog.

And I continued to doubt.

No way. Why in the world would ANYONE want to read what I had to say?



What weight could a twentysomething, unemployed for four months going on sixty years, unable to spell or take the time to edit correctly, recently relocated to a not-exactly-vacation-inspiring-town, shacking up with her boyfriend in a home we were still trying to decide if we should buy, nut job bring to the table that hasn't already been said 700 times before?

And yet, that night I hit PUBLISH.

And then fell over and had a panic attack of epic proportions.

I so wish that last line was a joke.




To this day, one crazy year later of prattling around on this little space of mine I still manage to lug around all those insecurities from day one. And yet even with all the doubts, I've surprisingly managed to amass a group of folks who have found my corner of the internet, stopped to say hello, and thereby became instantly some of my favorite people in the whole world. Each one of them, strangers, family, friends, or lurkers have one by one taken a little piece out of this sack of insecurity I lug and helped me carry it day after day. 

It's amazing how much lighter a bag of rocks can seem when you've got others to help with the lifting. 

(OMG that was so corny. I think I just vomited.)


I never believed I would gain anything from this blog beyond an activity to help fill up all the space unemployment left me with between reality tv, sleeping, eating, and applying for jobs I couldn't seem to land.

Amazingly along the way I actually gained a smidge of confidence in my ability to string together sentences, discovered a deep and consuming love of photography (even if I still have a million things to learn), realized I can fight off those nagging feelings of depression by exposing my fears/worries/mistakes on this creative outlet, and somehow I stumbled upon kind voices and faces who have made some of the struggles of this past year just a tad easier to shoulder. Even better? I've found people in this vast world who don't hesitate to help me celebrate those times when everything seems to fall into place. 


I will probably never have thousands of readers, the odds of me EVER receiving a single penny from either of the advertisements on my site is slim to none, Good Morning America, the New York Times, or hell even the Olympian aren't likely to call me ANYTIME soon for an interview, and I will most likely NEVER consider what I do here a 'career', and yet, that suits me just fine thanks.



A million thanks and internet hugs for being here.

You really have no idea what it means to this little lady.

Ashley, the Wow Its Actually Been A Whole Year Accidental Olympian

SMARTIES

I couldn't make this sort of stuff up if I tried.

Ashley, the Accidental Olympian

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Simple concept yes? One must look inside, weigh their likes and dislikes, pleasures and pains, and come to a conclusion befitting their needs and desires.

Yet this seemingly normal concept proves to be more troublesome for me than most all conundrums.

I envy people who are offered a choice, and make the one that will bring them the most joy. A certain friend of mine is famous (in my head) for saying time and time again, "I'm just being honest. This is what I want to do tonight/this weekend/this year." More often than not the bluntness of the statement shocks me because I can't help but wonder, How can she not be racked with guilt over her decision?

Guilt is my nemesis. No matter how many times you, my therapist, my mother, the pages of my dairy, the world tell me GUILT IS A WASTED EMOTION I continue to let it rule my life.

Spend a weekend in my brain if you will,

I should go to X because So-and-So expects me/needs me/invited me and I don't want to let them down.

But then if I go, I need to find a way out of Z which I already agreed to. It shouldn't be as hard to get out of though because Z has other people coming, and therefore my attendance will have less impact, and so they will therefore be LESS disappointed in me.

Wait, I can't go to X. Z sounded upset on the phone. Maybe I can make it work.

How do I make this work?

No seriously I can't let anyone down.

SERIOUSLY.

IF SOMEONE IS DISAPPOINTED IN ME I AM GOING TO DIE.

*thrashes on the floor like a dead fish*

END INTERNAL BRAIN SCENE

Left with a true decision to make, especially one where I believe someone will be let down with either choice, I will in the last minutes after trashing, and berating myself for sometimes days, always chose the situation where I believe I have disappointed the LEAST amount of people*. Added bonus when I believe I've made a decision, but then I waver back and forth, back and forth, irritating both parties to such an extreme that when I finally DO make a choice, most are so happy just to let the thing die already they probably no longer want me there in the first place. Let's call this the Beating The Shit Out Of A Dead Horse Strategy.

*Note. A bunch of people who aren't as close to me actually weigh less in my guilt world than someone who means a lot to me. As well, people who know me very well and love me no matter what are easier to let down than people I am trying to build up a relationship with because I believe they'll understand. And yes, it is very scary living in my head. 

I don't tend to pick the choice I want the most.

I don't select an option that makes me fulfilled.

No. I pick the choice that creates the least amount of trauma for those around me, and that makes others the most happy.

I can't help but continue to wonder, isn't this how you keep from being 'selfish'?

The term 'selfish' has been my companion for so many years I believe I've developed this decision making plan in an effort to  shake the association with my pal, 'selfishness'.

Yet no matter what I chose, I always feel upon making my final choice that my actions reflect in the eyes of those I've let down that yes indeed, I'll always be simply that, selfish.

Ashley, the OMG WHY CAN'T I FIX THIS? Accidental Olympian

AT&T MADE ME ANTISOCIAL. IT ISN'T MY FAULT. I SWEAR.

There was a time in my life where I felt there would never be enough minutes on my cell phone plan. I worried that no matter how I upgraded, I would ALWAYS find myself going over my limit. I was a TALK-A-HOLIC.

Walking to class, call someone. Walking home, call someone. Driving to work, call someone. Didn't want to do homework, I am pretty sure you get the idea.

There were people in my life whom I enjoyed greatly, people who I felt like conversing with. I wanted them to know about my life, and I wanted to know about theirs. Everyone was updated and informed at all times because of the magic of cell phones.

Now, not so much.

And I blame AT&T.


When Adam and I bought this house I could talk on my cell phone throughout the entire premises. No one area was better than another, I could just chat away. People were informed, friendships remained, peace was abundant.

Then Christmas 2009 happened and thousands of people said, "Hey. I want an iPhone!" and they acted on this impulse. And now I hate them. Because in doing so they all suddenly jumped on the AT&T bandwagon with the rest of us millions. And since we added all those new shiny iPhone users to the world of AT&T cell coverage, I CAN NO LONGER ACCEPT OR MAKE CALLS IN MOST AREAS OF MY HOUSE.

OR while driving into my subdivision.

OR while I use a bluetooth and PLACE MY PHONE IN MY BACK POCKET. God forbid I not have my phone laying on a flat, fully exposed surface at all times.

OR while sitting at my desk at work.

OR while driving past the Fred Meyer.

OR while being alive and present in my own life.


Since Christmas and the abundance of shiny new iPhone users I can hold conversations with people without losing a signal in ONE room of my house.

ONE.

If my phone rings I must run as fast as I can upstairs into my office, I must perch on the ledge of our futon (equaling ass numbness in 3 seconds or less), and face looking directly out the window. I must stay exactly like this for the ENTIRE conversation. If I move to get something out of the closet I drop the call. Place the phone in my sweatshirt pouch, lose the call, go to the bathroom, LOSE THE CALL.

AT&T wont let me pee anymore while on the phone. Considerate to the person on the other line, maybe, considerate to my bladder? NO. 

Overnight my iPhone has become a land-line. And not even a cordless land-line. Hell, I would trade in my iPhone at this point for a cordless land-line because at LEAST I could walk through my entire house without losing service.



So basically, AT&T is the reason I no longer return your calls my dear friends and family. The moment I drive towards my housing development I know whomever I am speaking with will instantly be hung up on. And if I want to continue my conversation I will have to drop my things, walk to my perch and stay there, right there until we are done chatting. Forget putting away the groceries, forget changing out of my work clothes, hell forget letting the dog out to pee, I will only be able to talk to you from my window seat. 

I bought a phone that can check my email, take pictures of grocery item barcodes and then automatically add them to a joint shopping list for Adam and I, a phone that can track my calorie intake, turn of my lights in my house, and probably even spoon me, but it doesn't ALLOW ME TO WALK THROUGH MY HOUSE WHILE ON THE PHONE.

AT&T, my family and friends would like me back.

Ashley the Accidental Olympian

MY POT OF GOLD

So I was driving home from the grocery store, feeling like crap because the money I just spent on sustenance and survival had pretty much bankrupted me when I came around the corner and saw this,

Suddenly there was no reason to frown because, "DUDE! Some leprechaun left gold under my floorboards or something and damn it I AM GOING TO FIND IT!" 

Us poor folk don't fuck around when it comes to leprechaun gold. The tile, the carpets, the grass are all coming up!

What can I say? A poor girls gotta do, what a poor girls gotta do.  

Ashley, the Accidental Olympian