FORGIVENESS

Last Sunday morning I found myself seated across the breakfast table from one of my favorite people. As we chatted the topic of the last four to five weeks of her employment struggle came up. When you are unemployed at times it feels physically impossible to go a whole day without speaking of your plight. Today's economy forces you to carry your unemployment around like a scarlet letter. Try as you might to tuck it away, it feels as if it is always visible. 

Listening to her talk about her fears, or the way that she's beginning to find it hard to stave off the embarrassment, guilt, and shame of being unable to find work ate at me. I was looking into the eyes of a person who is terrified of the future, shocked at her situation and baffled at the utter lack of control that consumes her daily life.

I know that look.

As I sat across from her I tried to give her the things no one was able to give me.

Understanding.

I tried to tell her all the things that ring true about being in your mid 20's with all the education and experience in the world, lost in this economic shit storm.

Don't be ashamed to accept help. You deserve to let those who love you step in when you need it.

This isn't your fault.

Deal with your debt later. It is ok to be in survival mode now. Don't be ashamed to use credit to buy groceries if that's all you have. Survival truly is key.

It is ok to take something that feels beneath you to ensure that you have an income. No matter what society has told us, our job does not define who we are as a person.

This isn't your fault.

You are a talented, smart, well educated, hard working woman, anyone would be happy to employ you. They just can't see you right now through all the candidates. But trust me you still shine.

You'll make it.

Even if the job you find feels terribly lacking, eventually you will find something better, make it into something better, or improve your situation ten fold.

Stay strong. You are doing EVERYTHING right even when it feels like you're doing everything wrong.

This isn't your fault. 




As I drove home from my lovely weekend in Seattle, our conversation at the table continued to run through my mind.

Suddenly I began to cry.

Hot, salty tears streamed down my cheeks and my chest heaved over and over and I was powerless to control the emotions surging through me.

The words I had told my friend, the reassurance, the positive outlook, the loving encouragement and reminders of her self worth were all things I have never once given myself.

Through my unemployment battle and subsequent year of employment striving to turn my position into the role it is today, I never once stepped in and told myself the hardships hadn't been my fault. I never let myself off the hook, told that scared girl inside that it would be ok, reminded myself that I truly was doing all I could, I never once pointed out to myself that I was actually making the best out of a horrible situation, and I never let myself accept the idea that I was doing everything I humanly could to survive. 

The very words of encouragement and love that poured so easily out of my mouth for another had been impossible for me to give myself.



As the tears began to subside and my breathing returned to normal it felt as if I had given myself the most loving embrace. The weight of the last year and a half seemed to finally be lifted, and instead of feeling disgrace for the way I believed my future to have been drastically shifted beyond my control, for the first time in ages I was proud of myself.

Damn fucking proud. 

Finally after all this time I told myself it was ok, that I loved myself, and that what I went through was horrible and demoralizing, but I'd done it.

To anyone today who is struggling to find work, who lays in bed at night wondering where they went wrong, to the person who feels like a failure for resorting to the lesser job when it was all they could find, to the individual who feels like the only one they know on a drastically tight budget, to the graduate who feels like their future is the bleakest sight imaginable, you can do this. You will do this.

I believe in you.

Ashley, the Accidental Olympian

Comments

[Jen_Ann_W]

THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU.

[The Naked Redhead]

You rock...this post is the shit.

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

Awww Ashley... What a beautiful post. How wonderful that you were able to give that gift to your loved one. And to yourself.

[Ashley]

Ya, so you better be when there when I'm in California, because this voluntary unemployment bit scares me. If I can't find work, you'll be my sensei in gardening also. :)

And your random story about your flight to London. I almost pied myself. Just wanted to let you know that your story triumphed all my Kegels.

[LaboriousLiving]

Wow. Got me all choked up.

[NewTeacherWife]

Thanks. You commented on my post about my struggles with finding a job. But until I read this, I hadn't quite admitted how embarrassed I really feel about all of this. We had a 5 years class reunion (goofy, I know.) this past weekend. I tried telling myself that I didn't want to go for a million different reasons. It would have been nice to see people. But I didn't because I dreaded the question, "What are you doing now?" All the people I graduated with that got business degrees have jobs. I went to school for a "fool proof" degree that "guarantees" a job and I can't find one. Anywhere.

I'm very glad you have found the way back to loving yourself. Your story is one that is helping keep my own spirits up. Most of the time.

Thanks.