The Accidental Olympian

HI, I EAT BABIES

As I mentioned on Twitter, I'm anxiously awaiting the day when instagram releases the "DMV filter." A filter that when applied to an image turns the subject into a child molester, homeless person, crack head or homicidal maniac. All with the click of a button!

Ok, I will admit my new AK drivers licence picture isn't all THAT bad. I do look like I've got some naughty secret I'm hiding, like maybe I'm a middle school teacher who recently discovered I'm pregnant with my 11 year old student's baby, but definitely not the worst I've got. Nothing can compare to my CA license. NOTHING. Man I wish I still had it... 

I think Adam goes down on record as taking the worst DMV picture. His WA license picture had him suddenly gain 40 pounds and appear to look so sinister you'd never want to encounter him in a dark alley. I'm not entirely sure how he managed to pull that one off. Sometimes I would ask to see it just to brighten my day it was that creepy.

 

 

So, after two attempts (YES I FAILED MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT THE WRITTEN TEST PLEASE STOP LAUGHING AT ME ADAM) I am now an Alaskan. Wow. 

It's always weird to pass these milestones. The day I turned in my CA drivers license and became a Washingtonian, and now after 8 years of identifying 100% with being a Washingtonian suddenly I'm an Alaskan. 

I live in Alaska. 

We have Alaskan drivers licenses, Alaskan plates on our car, pay utilities in Alaska, and when I was in Seattle friends introduced me to new people as their friend Ashley from Alaska and I had to fight the urge to correct them and remind everyone that I lived in WA, before remembering that I did in fact live in Alaska. Which made my brain tired and I'd have to sit down for a second. 

But I figure, now that I'm an Alaskan this means that on Saturday when we leave for our one night backpacking trip, when we see a bear (Yes, I said when because there's no chance we won't see a bear at least once) the bear will see that I am not a tasty tourist any longer but actually a fellow Alaskan and will leave my tender flesh alone in search for someone here visiting from the Midwest.   

I hear they taste better.

 

If I don't post something on Twitter by Sunday night it means I was eaten and you should check the Anchorage newspaper for details on how it all went down. Maybe they'll include a really graphic picture of my mangled corpse. 

KEEPING THE MOOSE OBSESSION ALIVE & KICKING

What up MOOSE?

We recently went to the Anchorage Zoo where they had two moose that had found themselves walking on the road like this dude and WHAM car collision. Thankfully they were not killed, and after being rehabilitated found cushy lives at the zoo. One of the moose there might have been rescued after being found abandoned by its mother, but it's all a little hazy. All I know is that the two moose living at the zoo (and 90% of the other animals there including a 40lb baby polar bear OMGSOCUTEWANTONERIGHTNOW) had been rescued in some capacity or another and it made me warm and fuzzy inside. 

This sight made me warm and fuzzy inside to know both brown bears were rescued as cubs, but also terrified to look at those CLAWS and those TEETH and know that this weekend if we do indeed head out on a backpacking trip with friends that the bear spray we're wearing and the gun Adam will be carrying will be there because we're worried we might see these guys. 

 

I mean, it was cute to watch them playing, and the animal lover in me really appreciated that they had been rescued as cubs and all, but I really would like to have all my bear sightings from now until eternity happen while I am standing safely behind zoo fences thankyouverymuch. 

I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO SHARE THIS PICTURE WITH YOU LAST YEAR

Sticking with the theme this week of me holding large food items I realized I totally forgot to share this picture with you last year! 

Yeah. I grew that last year. 

Completely on accident I might add. 

Not only did I have about three zucchini plants too many last year, I also did BLASPHEMOUS things like go on vacations in the middle of harvesting time. Zucchini plants do not like it when you vacation. 

No matter how diligent I was about picking any and all zukes that looked ready before we left for a trip, low and behold I'd come home TWO DAYS LATER to find shit like this growing in my yard. TWO DAYS. 

I have a serious knack for growing fucked up looking veggies. 

And it makes me fairly proud. 

YOU GUYS I CAUGHT A SALMON!

This is my very first salmon and if I do say myself, QUITE A BEAUTY. 

Also, can we talk about how hot I look in fishing waders? 

Please control yourselves, I know it's hard when I'm looking so FINE. 

 

 

Yesterday's fishing trip was a ton of fun. Adam and I got off work, jumped in the car and about an hour and a half later we were standing in the Russian River trying our hand at a little salmon fishing. 

I have been fishing most all my life, and until I went salmon fishing I never realized the sport could feel, well, like an actual SPORT. You're standing there in the river and you can actually see HUNDREDS of salmon just swimming by you. HUNDREDS. There are people above you in the river and below you and I swear every 15 minutes someone is hollering that they've got another one. And when you get one yourself? OH BOY hold on. 

We had some issues of course, because, well we're Adam and Ashley and when does our first try at anything go smoothly? 

Turned out we forgot our fishing net. Which makes things very very tricky. 

Imagine standing in rushing water on slippery rocks and hooking something that is going to do everything in its power to get the fuck away from you. Now try to walk backwards through the river, don't fall by the way, while also trying to keep this monster from freaking out and running up or down the river and breaking your line. 

I had this one HUGE fish on and I'd gotten him (for some reason fish are always boys in my head) almost into Adam's hands and then suddenly the line broke. So what does Adam do since he doesn't have a net? JUMPS ON THE FISH. 

Which of course doesn't work. Have you ever touched a fish? Those bitches are slimy. 

As it went through my legs I also tried to nab it which only soaked my shirt and made us further look like incompetent fools, but damn it I wanted that fish! 

All in all we learned a lot. What to use, what to bring with us, how to catch the buggers. I was surprised as well how my idea of fishing seems to have shifted. As we stood in our kitchen at 1am cutting up our salmon and placing the perfectly red steaks in vacuum sealed bags I had so much respect for this animal that gave its life to me. Watching all these salmon run up the river was truly amazing. They have lived in the ocean for most of their lives, and instinctively they suddenly realize it is time to return to their birthplace, swimming up stream against currents, bears, damns, and fishermen to breed and die. 

An absolutely remarkable animal. I don't think I'll look at salmon on a menu or in the grocery store the same ever again. 

 

 

So all in all it was an amazing day. We wrapped up around 9:30pm, the sun was still shinning bright on the longest day of the year and we had a beautiful salmon in our cooler. It's a shame we only got the one this time, but don't you worry, we'll be back. 

Next time, with a net. 

WITH ALL THIS EXCESS LIGHT UP HERE, I BETTER BE ABLE TO GROW SOME EXCEPTIONALLY FREAKISH VEGGIES

As I've lamented before, leaving my garden at the Olympia house was tough. Probably harder than leaving the city itself. 

For a while after we moved into our new place in Alaska I refused to do much of anything related to gardening. REFUSED. But once the sadness of leaving the old garden wore off, and the itch to plant things got stronger I found myself once again wandering the isles at the local nursery and walking out with flowers, seeds, dirt and a whole lot of dorky excitement. 

My main arena for veggies is the front of our house since it gets the best light, and I wasn't about to plant corn in my front yard, so all veggies need to be cultivated from our little second story balcony. It's a step down from the square footage I had only a few months ago, but seeing as last summer I planted FOUR ZUCCHINI PLANTS, maybe less actually is more. 

Already I have beans, two types of lettuce, onions and baby spinach. Soon I'll also have oregano, parsley and basil, and I'm thinking of tossing another pot or two up there to increase my yield. My lack of tomatoes makes me feel like I'm cheating, but unless I find a way to turn my balcony into a tiny greenhouse, I don't think tomatoes and I shall be very good friends up here.

WHICH I MIGHT ADD IS A CRIME. Have you tried Alaskan shipped in from God knows where tomatoes? They are terrible. TERRIBLE I TELL YOU. They ship them in from South America somewhere, and if you buy the organic ones they are pretty much all sitting there rotten before you even buy them. If you find one that isn't bruised you have about 20 minutes to eat it at home before it turns to mush on you.

THIS IS NOT OK.

And that will be the conclusion of my Alaskan tomato rant.

Look! Pictures of things I grew!  

Who knows, maybe next summer after a long and very cold winter I'll tear up the whole front yard and just grow zucchini and corn right where the grass used to be. 

Bet my landlord would LOVE that. 

Wait, on second thought, that sounds delightfully evil. 

Stay tuned for next summer when I try to piss my landlord off by turning my entire front yard into a veggie garden. To make up for the fact that I can't get a decent tomato to save my life up here and the fact that my landlord STILL hasn't finished the painting they started 7 weeks ago.

It's only fair.