WHY DO SOME WORK WHERE OTHERS FAIL?

As most anyone on the internet already knows, a few weeks ago Heather Armstrong (Dooce) announced that her marriage of ten plus years to her husband John (Blurb) was dissolving. I'm sure most people read these words and felt sadness for the pain Heather and her family were wading through, and most then promptly moved on.

Strangely the dissolving of the Dooce-Blurb marriage has stayed with me.

There is no perfect marriage, this I know. But I do think there are marriages that are better than others. Marriages that are open, honest, where two people work through the crap that makes us human to continue to grow in their relationship.

I always viewed Dooce and Blurb as having one of those marriages.

They were open about the fact that they had to work hard on their marriage at times. They admitted it took patience, support and a lot of effort to make it through the difficult spots. And even when it sucked they kept on working. They were committed no matter what.

I admired the ability they seemed to posses to not give up on one another.

As a product of an intact marriage (26+ years) divorce scares me. Terrifies me really.

I've never experienced the pain of hearing my parents tell me they're separating. I've never had to split my holidays. I've never had to deal with the questions of, "What went wrong?" I've never had to meet one of my parent's new partners.

For this I'm grateful.

But I live in this world. I see how many marriages fail. And I don't know what makes one survive, and another crumble.

I always assumed the key to keeping the marriage together was to be a Dooce and Blurb. To fight to stay together through good and bad, always remembering the reason you came together in the first place.

And yet, now another example of how to do things right is no longer.

I find this frightens me. 

Adam and I both come from intact marriages. We've never felt the sting of divorce, we only know how to continue on.

But does that mean we're strong enough to never give up?

Will we be as lucky?

Or will we fail as well?

And yet, the exact minute the idea of marriage seems to be so broken, so unattainable, another blogger shares a story of their own marriage and I think, "People still make this work.  It's not all broken. My journey will be my own."

 

Comments

[Kimberly Reidinger]

I had the exact same fear/panic/will my husband and I make it as you did. Still do, really. And we both also come from 30+ years of intact marriage, certainly with ups and downs, but still married. And it scares the crap out of me.

But then I try to remind myself that Ben and I are in a great place, even with my depression, and that there is no point worrying about the future.

(Blah blah, yeah I only half believe that myself.) :-)

[Andrea]

My parents wouldn't know how to survive without each other. They're just two halves, and that's a really hard standard to have to live up to. But his parents are still married, but every few years will separate for a few months, which is so weird to me, but somehow it works. I wish there was some sort of way to know. I'd like to think that my stubbornness will make it work, but that's probably pretty narcissistic.

I've been following Dooce's relationship, too, and her posts these past few weeks have made her sound so lost. I think blogging can really be cathartic, and I hope she and Jon both find what they need.

[Jen A.]

Purely out of curiosity mixed with observations of my own, and not simply a response to the Armstrong marriage, I would LOVE to see a study of divorce in America (and the World) broken down into reasons, and cross-referenced by whether or not they had children.

My parents have 33 years in the bucket, but if you had asked me if they would "make it" a few years ago, I would've said no. They figured it out, whatever it was that they needed to figure out... there are no "secrets" or "magic to-do's" to making it work.

On the opposite end, there's me. 32 and single. Over Christmas last year my Grandmother was asked and told Mom and I about all of the unmarried or married w/out kids women in our family. The number surprised both of us (Mom and I).

Relationships are hard. Being single is hard. Both can be rewarding in their own way... but it's so difficult to exist in either form and not be affected by the relationships you see around you. To not wonder if certain people are "meant to be" and it's EASY for them or if everyone has to work at it. Is it better just to focus on what you have instead of comparing it to what you see?

I will say one thing about you and Adam, Ashley. I don't actually know either of you (I haven't met you in person), but if Adam was in your corner throughout most/all of the Stella debacle of the past year -- AND LOOK HOW HARD YOU FOUGHT TO MAKE THAT WORK -- then I'd say you don't need to worry about being strong enough not to give up.

[the grumbles]

Reading about their troubles was mysteriously meaningful for me too. I think it's because who HASN'T at one time or another felt on the brink of everything falling apart? I would like to put my head in the sand and pretend those things don't exist, like PORN and dudes, but pretending doesn't make the facts different.

Is it doable? Yes. Is it scary? Yes. Sometimes it's easy and sometimes you have to work really, really hard.

[Lauren]

I think that sometimes the definition of a successful marriage needs to be redefined. Is it really a failure for a couple to be married for what, a decade, produce two beautiful children, give it everything they have, and then eventually decide that it is in the best interest of all parties to amicably split up? I would define that as a fairly positive and successful outcome.

Divorce sucks, for sure, but I think it's better than continuing to work on something that is obviously broken.

[Tori]

I think part of this has to do with the examples set by our own parents. I don't know John's story, but Heather is a product of divorce. And for as much work as she put into her marriage, subconsciously, leaving may have always been a viable solution.

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

My parents and my husband's parents have marriages that have lasted (so far) 40 years. I feel so lucky to have them as role models.

But I am terrified, too. What makes some people stop trying? What pushes a marriage past the point of no return?

I worry about it a lot, actually. And then I start worrying that my worrying is going to be the thing that tips our marriage over into unrecoverable. Divorce seems like cancer: you can do things to prevent it, to stay healthy. But you can't be SURE it won't infect you.

Scary stuff.