Going through my draft folder I found the post below. A post I wrote in March of 2012 while I was in the throws of wondering when in the world we were going to get engaged. Back when thoughts, conversations and wonderings of the whens and hows of this whole engagement took over my. every. thought. I didn't have the balls to share it then, but hey. It worked out, we're getting married in less than five months, and you know what, I know I'm not the first woman to admit to feeling this out of control in the engagement process. So here you go. Below was my pre-engagement mental state from about November 2011 to May 2012. Please share in the comments if your pre-engagement period also left you feeling marginally insane waiting for this to happen.
From the moment we began dating our relationship was founded on open communication. One of my fondest memories from when we first began dating was one morning as Adam and I sat on my bed and a conversation about what to do this weekend suddenly morphed into a shockingly honest admission of the debt Adam found himself drowning in. For the next hour he admitted to me the hole he couldn't climb out of, how he struggled with the version of himself he wanted to portray to the world, versus the reality of his financial situation. We talked about savings, debt, struggling and promised to help one another live within our means. He admitted he'd never told anyone about this. I felt so privileged that he trusted me.
Over the next four years our relationship has been one combining both struggles and adventure. We've worked through relocations, buying our first home, adopting two dogs, my 6 months of unemployment, my subsequent "under" employment, Adam paying down his debt, and another relocation, this time from Washington to Alaska. Through it all, when things have gotten tough I've felt that I can count on Adam. I can talk to him about how I'm feeling, my fears, struggles with how our future might evolve, anything.
When it came to the topic of "will we get married" the answer has always been a resounding, "YES!" I've never worried about the "if" of the equation, it's been something we've talked openly and honestly about as our relationship progressed and I found myself doing things like contemplating moving my entire life from Washington to Alaska to be with this man. I mean, come on! The blunt conversation of, "Will we get married?" is one you don't just leave to chance if you up and move to the Great White North!
The thing that's suddenly become so maddening, so pull my hair out, writhe on the floor, WOE IS ME has been the reality of the actual engagement.
Getting engaged is supposed to be a surprise. There is pressure to pick the perfect ring, say the right thing, set the mood just so. It's the kick off to your life together. So they tell us.
The fact this life changing moment is supposed to be orchestrated by one part of the couple in secrecy has my OCD control freak mind on high alert. We've been able to have conversations about rings and even the kind of wedding we might like to have. Casual, summer, small, more reunion than "wedding." We can talk about bridal parties, budgets, when, where, how, but NOT the engagement.
That's his. Ashley, please step away.
Friends, family, strangers, bloggers, websites, twitter, any female ever says to wait. It will happen. Let it be a surprise. Let him control this. Yet, our relationship is built on conversations, joint decisions, open dialog! So here I sit, over six months gone by since the real "let's do this" conversations began. After spending years sharing our thoughts and feelings I'm expected to sit back and wait. And wait. And wait. I can't help, I can't give input, I can't offer assistance.
He tells me he has a plan. He tells me he's on it. He tells me to be patient. Yet more time passes and I find myself wondering what in the world we're all waiting for.
I can't help but wonder if he forgot who I am. Has he forgotten the personality of the woman he plans to marry? The planner, the organizer, the orchestrator of all things OUR LIFE?
So I wait. I manage to spend weeks pushing it out of my head, letting it sit patiently. I keep it out of conversations, out of my thoughts, but it's never really gone. After a period of silence it will rear its ugly head and I'll find myself consumed with the thought of, "WHY HASN'T THIS HAPPENED YET????" and for the first time in our relationship it doesn't feel like a conversation I can ever get much traction with.
Will it happen? Yes.
Have we talked about the fact that it WILL happen? Yes.
Has he admitted it's been delayed for a variety of reasons, but that he plans to do this? Yes.
Do I know that he wants to marry me? Most definitely yes.
But am I absolutely, completely, 150% losing my mind as I wait for him to make it a reality?
Oh dear lord you have no idea.