[This is not me fishing for your compliments. I just need to finally be honest about how I'm feeling in an effort to jump-start a move in a better direction with my eating/working out. And if I wasn't honest on my own blog, where the hell can I be?]
I am not pleased with my body. With my fitness level. With my energy. With my eating habits. With the way my pants feel. With the way I feel about myself when I look in the mirror.
It has become so much more than a number on a scale. It’s how I feel when I put on my clothes. It’s how little energy I have throughout my day. It's about how when I'm in public I feel like the ugly duckling in the room. It’s how by the time I walk in the door I’m so uncomfortable in my clothing I want to scream.
It all started with Alaskan winters, was followed by knee surgery, compounded by a Chicago polarvortex. No matter how I got here, I'm not pleased and I need to do something, anything to reverse this.
The hardest part has been getting started again after a long healing period with my knee. Now that we're no longer in Alaska I can't throw on cross-country skis and frolic in the mountains, or jump in my car and 15 minutes later be at a trail head that will end at the top of a mountain looking out at this. Back down and home in time to make dinner.
I’m uninspired while also being miserable. I miss the Alaskan mountains, the Alaskan wilderness, the way if someone wanted to meet up it was always to go outside and do something. Let’s hike. Let’s ski. Let’s fish and climb and raft and be anywhere but indoors. I never realized that even though I always felt the Alaskan winter would end with me carrying a little extra in the middle, in reality Alaska was functioning as a never ending outdoor gym membership.
But I have to stop dwelling on how amazing it was there. I don’t live there. I wont live there ever again (sorry Erin). And no matter how uninspired I am right now, I need to find a way to make it work here.
Because I don’t like this feeling. This feeling where I hate looking at myself. Where I have no confidence. Where the mountain I have to climb feels so big it’s not worth even trying.
So, to start I’ve upgraded my LoseIt app to the paid plan. $40 for the year to receive better tracking, and most importantly, instant syncing to my favorite workout app RunKeeper. Also, today I finally pulled the trigger and bought a Fitbit Flex. I’ll now be constantly tracking my steps, my calories, my movement, and my progress in a way I have never been able to do before. I’ve got the Nike Training app on my phone, a world of trails (although incredibly flat ones at that) out my back door, and softball starting in a few weeks. Adam and I are going to get bikes soon, and when it warms up maybe stand up paddling will be a way to spend time outdoors while also burning calories.
More than anything it's time I make this a priority again.
For my waistline.
For my sanity.