[I found trying to get pregnant felt even more isolating and frustrating than the secrecy and fear that came with the first trimester of pregnancy. There is so little out there on trying to get pregnant. There are apps, and some forums, but there’s very little writing online from real people on how long or how hard it was for them to get pregnant. As much as the first trimester feels like a time of secrecy, trying for baby felt at times, even worse. Here are some of my thoughts and feelings during our journey in a series I’m calling, Trying for Baby.]
The hardest part is the waiting. Being unable to do anything at all other than wait. Check off days. Wonder. Wait some more. Enter basic information into my fertility app, and look at how many days are left of waiting. Knowing that if it doesn’t work, there’s a little effort upfront, and then just more waiting. And waiting. And waiting some more.
It rumbles around in my mind throughout the day, peaking its head up every so often when I think I’m in the clear. Could it be? What if it is? What if it isn’t? How much longer?
I want to talk to everyone about it. Ask them how long it took. What they did. Was it hard? Was it easy? Did you stress? Were you calm? I want to know the collective experience of every mother I see, every mother I interact with at my work. An office bursting with women who have become mothers before me. How was it for you? Will it be the same for me?
Instead I have to sit with it. All day. Day in and day out. At night the only place I can vent is my diary. Tomorrow I will do this. Today there are X amount of days left. Soon I will know. I feel it, but I could be wrong. I am wrong. I am right. I might be right. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.
I couldn’t wait for the time where I could begin to test. Results up to 6 days sooner! Finally I was there. Finally I could DO something. Test. Find an answer. Be done waiting.
Two more days pass.
The next morning.
These tests aren’t changing anything. There’s still just more waiting. There’s really only one thing I’m waiting for. For a date to pass and to still be without a certain visitor. The date rings in my head, if I can make it till Sunday there’s hope.
And so I wait.
Wonder. And wait some more.
Hoping for my world to change.