[I found trying to get pregnant felt even more isolating and frustrating than the secrecy and fear that came with the first trimester of pregnancy. There is so little out there on trying to get pregnant. There are apps, and some forums, but there’s very little writing online from real people on how long or how hard it was for them to get pregnant. As much as the first trimester feels like a time of secrecy, trying for baby felt at times, even worse. Here are some of my thoughts and feelings during our journey in a series I’m calling, Trying for Baby.]
There’s a big part of me that feels like this isn’t working because it’s winter.
Winter, the time of darkness. The time when my brain sinks the deepest. The time of the year when I have to increase my medication to fight back against my body’s natural inclination to dive into a depression. To pull the covers over my face and sleep longer, deeper. This is the time of the year when I feel the most broken, the most controlled by my biology.
Wouldn’t it make sense then that this would also be the time of the year when my reproductive organs were the most broken?
Websites and apps tell you that stress affects fertility. That exercising boosts fertility. That being in a state of calm, happy, relaxed bliss is how babies are made.
So if these last four months while I’ve been trying to conceive my body’s natural state is to be super depressed, unmotivated to a fault, to work as if it’s moving through quicksand, couldn’t one also conclude that I’m existing in a biological state of inhospitality for getting pregnant?
These are the things I think about as the weather remains grey, cold, and dark.
I think about tulips. About the buds on trees. I think about that feeling I get in the spring when life breathes back into the world, and into myself.
I can’t help but think those feelings of renew will be beneficial to more than just my outlook on life.