[I found trying to get pregnant felt even more isolating and frustrating than the secrecy and fear that came with the first trimester of pregnancy. There is so little out there on trying to get pregnant. There are apps, and some forums, but there’s very little writing online from real people on how long or how hard it was for them to get pregnant. As much as the first trimester feels like a time of secrecy, trying for baby felt at times, even worse. Here are some of my thoughts and feelings during our journey in a series I’m calling, Trying for Baby.]
We’ve moved into the third month of trying. Halfway to six months of giving it a go. In my head, three-to-six months of trying feels doable, normal, non panic inducing. Passing six months, if we’re heading into April still striking out, the thought makes my skin prickle.
I know that I should relax. Worry less. Just let it happen. But, have you met me?
I have so few friends that have done this, made the conscious choice to get pregnant that I can ask direct questions to. The few people that I do know have stories that are either,
A. I got pregnant my first try, imagine that!
B. It took a while after I got off birth control for my body to regulate, but then once it did, ta-da!
C. Hello accidental baby I didn’t plan for! Welcome to the world!
None of these are me. Obviously my hopes of 1-and-done didn’t happen, I have been off birth control since we lived in Alaska (thought it was making my hair fall out, turns out Alaska was making my hair fall out!), and I no longer qualify for an oopsie baby. Adam tells me to simmer, my friends tell me to simmer, and honestly I am simmering 95% of the time, but 5% of the time I’m worried. You can’t have access to the internet without hearing the worst. The people three years in with nothing, the people moving into drastic, super expensive options, people who lose baby after baby. All of these are potential options, but they could also not be, too.
The hardest thing about all of this is you’re supposed to go through this in secret.
Why? Why does this need to be a secret? Why can’t I talk to the other mothers I know and ask them about what they did, how long it took? Why must this be a battle for Adam and I with only the internet by our side? Why can’t we as women trying for a baby support one another without feeling shame?
For all I know it’s nothing to worry about because in a few weeks the struggle will be over, the test will show a big positive, and I’ll file this experience away as an interesting fact about myself I can reference next time, It took us three tries to make baby #1.
Or it won’t work again and we’ll be back to the drawing board. Wondering how dangerously close we’ll find ourselves nearing the dreaded one year of trying before returning to my doctor and asking for help…