The Accidental Olympian

THE BEST, AND EASIEST APPLE PIE YOU WILL EVER MAKE

My Grandmother made the best Dutch apple pie in the entire world. And so she passed the recipe to my mother, who went on to make the best Dutch apple pie in the world. And therefore when I made my first pie I turned to my mother and asked for the recipe for, you guessed it, the best Dutch apple pie in the world. SO MUCH PIE AWESOME. 

It's easy. Takes few ingredients. Takes no time to put together. Has a secret step. And tastes orgasmic. 

Here's what you'll need:

FOR THE PIE:
6 medium apples pealed and sliced (we use Granny Smith green apples always and only)
1 unbaked pie shell  (ok, we make our own crust, but you can cheat if you like)
1/2 cup sugar
2 tablespoons flour
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
2 tablespoons lemon juice

TOPPING:
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup flour
Stick of butter

 

TO MAKE YOUR PIE:

• As you cut the apple slices lay them in the bottom of the pie making a huge overflowing mound of slices
• Sprinkle lemon juice on top of apples
• Combine your sugar, flour and nutmeg in a small bowl
• Sprinkle over the top of the apples. Don't mix, honestly just dump it on!
• In a separate bowl mix dry topping ingredients, then take the COLD butter (not room temp) and using your hand crumble it into the dry ingredients. Bonus, this will be really gross and fun
• Mix together
• Take butter topping mess of awesome and pour it on top of the apple mound
• Place your pie, I SHIT YOU NOT, in a paper grocery bag, no sides touching the pie, and staple shut. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS PART. 
• Place pie in oven at 425 for one hour. 

 

Your pie before cooking will look like this. 

And this is what it will look like when you pull it out of the oven. Notice how the bag is NOT on fire. 

I know you're freaking out about the fact that you put this pie in a PAPER GROCERY BAG and then in the oven, but I promise it will not only NOT light on fire, putting it in the bag will create an oven within an 'oven' which will ensure that this pie is the most perfectly flaky perfection without ever burning. SWEARZIES. NO FIRE PIE. 

So go! Make pie! Eat pie! And tell me how worried you were that whole hour that the paper bag was in the oven. 

I know you're nervous. Don't lie. 

 

PROOF THAT READING BLOGS IS GOOD FOR YOU

I read a lot of blogs.

This is what happens when you blog yourself. You amass all these other bloggy friends that read your work, and you read them, and before you know it there is a huge chunk of people that you know all sorts of personal information about that you've never even met.

One of the things I like about all these online stranger-friends is that they tell me things I might like.

You should buy this!

You should read this!

You should watch this!

And I cry back, "OK blog best friends!"

Because even though I work in marketing, I'm really gullible and do whatever people tell me.

I mean, I have Geico car insurance, because they have the best commercials.

I know, it's sad really.

I just really love that little gecko.



So this weekend some of my bloggy suggestions really paid off. And now I'd like to further influence you via the strangeness that is taking suggestions from people you trust, yet have never and and most likely will never meet.


Firstly, stop what you are doing, go to the nearest Trader Joe's, and buy the chocolate croissants found in the desert section.

Holly of Nothing But Bonfires suggested these beauties a while ago, and I finally took her up on her suggestion. Of course, as I was serving these DELICIOUS, crumbly, fantastic tasting morsels to my guest Saturday morning I had to do the uncomfortable thing where someone who blogs explains to people who don't blog that I bought these croissants because someone I blog stalk told me to, I mean no she didn't actually directly tell ME to buy them, but she wrote this post about how good they were, so I saw them at the store and thought we'd try them, and please stop looking at me like that. Here! Eat something tasty!

I tend to approach those situations exactly in that fashion. Talk fast, mumble a lot, and quickly hand my highly confused amigo an item of food or beverage to distract them.

Works like a charm.




The second blogger recommendation I took and now pass to you is I went and saw The Town on Sunday. I read suggestions from Laurie of Crazy Aunt Purl AND New Teacher {Finally} New Wife so I knew I was in for a good time. PLUS, Ben was looking fantastic in the previews, and Adam also read a review from some geeky movie review blog that it was a fantastic movie, so coupled with all that blog love PLUS hottie Ben McTastyness, I was in.

Thankfully the internet and my crush on Ben all delivered.

People, see that movie.

If you like action, and bank robbing, with a little love story thrown in, but not all predictable and corny, plus you also enjoy looking at Ben do pull ups then this is the movie for you.

I never pay to see movies, because wow that's expensive, and I can never get comfortable in those damn seats no matter how tricked out the theater is, and I'm always worried I'm going to kick the seat in front of me, plus crossing my legs for two hours or more always makes my knees hurt for some reason, but The Town was worth it.

I left wanting to finally find a way to be with my love Ben, felt a strong desire to go on a vacation to Boston, and thought I might have a calling as a bank robber or member of a crime family. All options will do.




See, the internet is not simply a tool to help you waste an afternoon.

It changes lives and helps you realize your dreams.

Like how you'd be a kick ass bank robber and really should be with Ben Affleck.

CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE CHIP ZUCCHINI BREAD

This year my garden has given me many things. 700 foot tall sunflowers, beautiful basil, green onions, delicious cauliflower, and more zucchini than I know what to do with. I was a tad out of my mind when I planned my garden, and I thought it would be no big deal to have FOUR zucchini plants. Two in the garden, and two outside in a planter.

Why I thought I needed four plants is still a mystery.

But here we are in late September, three plants pulled up and one still producing, and I am STILL drowning in zucchini.

Thankfully there are a million and a half tasty recipes out there for zucchini beyond grilling, steaming and sautéing. Sites like Tasty Kitchen helped me take some monster zucchini off my hands and turn them into something even Adam, a self professed zuke hater, LOVES. 

Here is what we need to get started.

• 3 whole Eggs
• 1 cup Vegetable Oil (or 1 Cup Applesauce)
• 2 cups Granulated Sugar
• 1 Tablespoon Vanilla
• 2 cups Shredded Zucchini (You Don\'t Have To Peel Them)
• 2-½ cups All-purpose Flour
• ½ cups Baking Cocoa
• 1 teaspoon Salt
• 1 teaspoon Ground Cinnamon
• ¼ teaspoons Baking Powder
• 1 teaspoon Baking Soda
• Handful Chocolate Chips Or Mini Chips
  

Once you assembled your items add the eggs, sugar, oil and vanilla extract to a bowl.

Then mix it up into a sugary mess, and add in your shredded zucchini (please forgive blurry iPhone images!).



 Once you've got your wet ingredients mixed, add all your dry ingredients in a separate bowl.

Now add the dry ingredients to the bowl with your wet ingredients. If you have a mixer, and you're like me and suffer from extreme chicken arm syndrome, I suggest you use it. Life is easier when you aren't straining against a mixing bowl. 

Once you've whipped your wet and dry ingredients together you get to add the best part.

Chocolate chips.

YUM. 

Recipe calls for a handful, but I think that is pathetic and lame, so I throw in probably 3/4 of a bag.

Stop judging me.

Now that you've mixed all the goodies together fill two loaf pans with this tasty gloop and pop it in the oven at 350 for about an hour.

When it is all said and done you'll have a loaf of chocolate fantasticness.

This bread can be enjoyed many ways. Cold = tasty. Heated in the microwave with Cool Whip/ice cream = Fucking party in my mouth.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, I'm just here to provide you with the facts.

Want the printable recipe? Check out the post on Tasty Kitchen.

Big thanks to Pioneer Woman for making me fat.

No seriously, there are FIVE loaves of this bread sitting on my stove top cooling right now. And let's not talk about the 6 or so loaves I've already baked over the last couple months. 

Someone save me from myself. 

Ashley, the Accidental Olympian

CAULIFLOWER

SO, if you didn't already guess, today I want to talk about, CAULIFLOWER!

You're so excited.

I can tell.

This year I grew four cauliflower plants. From tiny little seedlings I nursed them into leafy beasts and tried in vain to protect them from some mutant caterpillar thing that was eating the crap out of their leaves. After reading that the only organic way to protect them was to pick the little green caterpillars off their leaves EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, I tried to help them out every couple days, but those buggers are green, and the leaves are GREEN, and in the end my plants look like munched on hell.

BUT, they still managed to produce lovely, tasty, beautiful cauliflower heads. Even with all the caterpillar abuse. Hallelujah! 

This weekend I took two of my fresh cauliflower heads, chopped them into sort of uniform 2" pieces, and tossed them with the following in a large bowl.

• 1/3 cup olive oil
• 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 2-3 cloves minced garlic (stop looking at me like that, I like garlic)
• a dash or two of chili powder 
  

Once everything was good and coated I placed my tasty cauliflower on a greased baking sheet like so.

 

Then I baked the little guys at 425 (could have definitely turned it down to 400) for about 20 minutes, opening the oven every 5-10 minutes to stir them around to get a nice bake on all sides.

Once toasted and a little crispy I plopped the whole bunch in a bowl, and to make this EXTREMELY decadent, I topped the whole mess with some Parmesan cheese.

I had this for lunch with a side salad and I couldn't even finish the whole array it was so much tasty wonderful. I have a feeling this version of cauliflower will win over even the most picky of veggie eaters, and I plan to use this recipe over, and over, and over until my garden is out of cauliflower for me to devour. 

For the recipe you can find it where I first did over at Crazy Aunt Purl, OR check out the slightly different version over at Epicurious. 

So go! Eat cauliflower and be healthy without feeling like you're eating ruffage because YUM! Garlic! And crispy! And Parmesan! Hurray!

Ashley, the Accidental Olympian

YOU'VE BEEN ICED

Before we left for our camping trip Adam sent me a link to a blog called Bros Icing Bros.

I looked at the site quickly on my phone pulling up the mobile version and had NO idea what the hell was going on, or why he even sent it to me in the first place. I mean, Adam is a smart man and he usually knows what I like and don't like, so I just assumed I was missing something.

 

Later that night he explained to me why he had found a blog filled with pictures of guys on one knee chugging Smirnoff Ice so hilarious.


I learned that there exists a game in this wild world of ours called Icing.

The premise of this 'game' is that you take a Smirnoff Ice and you hide it. In a drawer, in a sleeping bag, in a cooler, in someones pants, next to them sleeping, in the fireplace, where ever your creative brain leads you, and when someone finds your gift they have to, NO MATTER WHAT, get down on one knee and chug that bottle of sickness.

This isn't a game intended for folks with weak stomachs. This game is also not intended for quitters.

 

I am pretty much up for anything, especially in the way of drinking games, so I told Adam I was ready and willing to hide disgusting drinks in weird places and laugh as he forced them down. Turns out this game is delightfully fun when you are the one punking others. What would normally be a calm evening of making dinner at camp turns into a WAR ZONE. Suddenly you spend all your time thinking up weird places to hide bottles, you plot and scheme, you dig holes in the sand to bury bottles at the feet of friends, sneak bottles into bags of presliced cheese, sneak bottles into toilet bowls, and when someone finally stumbles on your hidden prize, you can't help but cackle and fist pump the air in triumph.

Even if you aren't a fist pumper by nature, while playing this game suddenly you'll find yourself high fiving, fist pumping, maybe even reciting the entire My New Haircut video from memory, even if you maybe only saw it once on Youtube. This game is that transformative. The hidden frat boy in you WILL emerge. 

The catch of course is that when you are the person who happens to head back to the tent to get a fresh pair of socks and you find a Smirnoff sitting innocently on your pillow and then are forced to get on one knee in the rain at 10:30am and CHUG THE BASTARD, you aren't laughing as hard anymore.

 

 

 

Take our beach day for example.

Everyone decided to take a nap in the sun.

See, don't they look peaceful and content?

Haha suckers!




What they didn't know was that while they were sleeping I was running around like a mad person hiding Smirnoff's so that when they woke all three of them would be punked at the exact same time. I admit Adam got it the worst. There he was sleeping soundly, head tilted to the side, and as he comes back to life from his nap he sleepily opens his eyes and what does he see? A Smirnoff sitting inches from his face.

Did you have a nice nap? You did! Well that's swell because, YOU'VE BEEN ICED.

Now drink.

Don't mind me as I cackle wildly while you squirm and fidget.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that the next time you have a small bbq, or go camping, or feel like spicing up your weekend you march into your local adult beverage store, buy yourself a 24 pack of the worlds most disgusting drink, and play a fun little game of GOTCHA with your friends. I promise you the trickery of it all, the fun of thinking up weird locations to hide this demon drink will make the times you stumble on one yourself totally and completely worth it.

Might I provide you with a suggestion if you do decide to partake in this little game? Never leave the room, never go to sleep, and never close your eyes. EVER.

If you do, you'll fall for someone asking you to grab something from the truck, and when you get back you'll see this.

And then, even though you're full from dinner, and even though the thought of chugging a sugary demon Smirnoff kind of makes your stomach turn, you'll be forced to do this.

 

And yes, it will burn. But the burn will fuel you to think of an even BETTER place to hide your bottle and get those bastards back for catching you off guard.

There truly is nothing like revenge to help encourage creativity.

 
Good luck my friends.

And no joke, send me pictures.

Ashley, the Accidental Olympian