The Accidental Olympian

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY NEW BOYFRIEND, ALEX

This is Alex Conrad, I call him AC for short. He's my new boyfriend, isn't he handsome? I can't stop gazing at him. There isn't anywhere else I'd rather be than sitting right beside him. The way he sits there acting so sexy, being all, "Baby, come closer and let me cool you off with my powerful lungs." (sigh) I never knew what I was missing until AC came into my life. I thought Adam would be jealous, being usurped in his own home, but even Adam's mesmerized by AC's cool demeanor. We're just one big happy family over here now and I'm just tickled. 

And just in case you think I'm being dramatic, read this... You can't make this shit up people.

FROM MY HOMELAND TO YOU

You are probably going to vomit a little in your mouth at first when you read my drink suggestion. But listen, this is MY heritage we're talking about here. So by telling me this drink I love makes you want to vomit you are saying that I make you want to vomit. And that hurts my feelings. It's not my fault that I'm the product of Basque people. I don't ask them why they're Spanish nomadic terrorists. I just go with it. And let's be honest, you just don't piss off a group of people known for being renegades.

So here it is, the Basque's solution to a warm day where all you want is a big glass of wine but can't stomach the idea because of the heat. The Kalimotxo. Here's how we make this little piece of heaven;

-- Grab a glass, or tumbler if you're feeling fancy
-- Fill with ice
-- Traditionalists fill the glass half full with red wine, but I say go nuts and add 3/4 of a glass of red wine. In my opinion, cheaper the wine the better.
-- Lastly add 1/4 of coke and stir. I prefer Diet Coke, but that's only because I have an addition deep in my bones. 

TA DA! Gross sounding? Fine, none for you. Me, I think it's fabulous. I LOVE LOVE a big glass of wine, but on warm days like this week I can't STAND room temperature wine. The Kalimotxo is the perfect solution. The coke removes the tartness of a cheap wine, and the ice, well the ice makes it heaven in a glass on a hot day.

Still creeped out? Well stop. Just try it. Come on, just once. After you do, tell me what you think. And if you don't like it, well hey, then I'll just send my people to break your knee caps. At least I warned you first.

OLY I'M SORRY I JUST CAN'T

She's been looking at me like this for the past two days. It's like she knows how cute she is. She thinks if she just brings me a new toy, or tilts her head a little further to the right I might cave and play outside with her. She's hoping if she hits me over the head with the adorable stick I might forget that I'm almost homicidal from this 95+ degree weather. Maybe I'll throw caution to the wind and venture outside for a long walk or a game of catch if she tries just a little harder. But if she ever wants someone to fill up her bowl again I suggest she find other ways to entertain herself this week.

This heat already has me at my breaking point making me one irritable bitch. All it takes is a little boob sweat this week to completely set me off. I love you Oly, but I wont be much help in the owner department if after our little walk in hell I land my ass in jail for stabbing Adam for daring to touch me ONE MORE TIME with those disgusting clammy feet of his.

PRETTY SURE I SIGNED UP FOR SOMETHING DIFFERENT

When I first moved to Western WA almost 6 years ago, all anyone from the sunshine state asked me on trips home was, "OMG HOW ARE YOU DEALING WITH THE RAIN?!?!?!" The look in their eyes was one of complete terror. It was as if they imagined me far far away in WA dogging acid rain or something. They pictured skin literally melting off my body. How could I survive even a day with all those wet things falling from they sky they wondered? 

Easy. I hate heat. HATE IT.

I think most people who move North are the same way. Except for Adam that is. I swear to God that kid is cold blooded. It can be 90 degrees out and he will willingly head off to mow the lawn. Sweat is DRIPPING out of every pore in his body, and he doesn't even care. The feeling of sweat sliding between his ass cheeks while he criss-crosses the lawn is nothing to him. Me, I'm watching him from inside having convulsions simply thinking about all that body perspiration. I mean come on! Boob sweat. Worst. Thing. Ever.

For the longest time I couldn't understand how I suddenly woke up as an adult and HATED heat. And then it hit me. I suffered a childhood of heat exposure that can't be healthy. I was playing competitive fast pitch softball from the ages of 10 to 15 in places where the summer heat regularly tops 100 degrees and I was the catcher. For those of you who aren't familiar with softball, picture me as a little 11 year old wearing a BLACK face mask, BLACK chest protector, and BLACK shin guards in 104 degree weather. FOR HOURS ON END. And this wasn't some fun league either where if I got hot I could just sit out for a while. No no. We may have barely topped 100 pounds, but we were out for blood. Heat exhaustion was the last of our worries, and we needed to make those other little 11 year old's cry with shame as we wiped their asses all over the field. Sweethearts really. For hours and hours on end we baked in the CA sun, and for almost 9 months out of the year I competitively sweat along side my fellow pre-teens. I feel ill just thinking about all that sweat again.

Now, years after my torture I can barely stand to be in the sun for very long without having a panic attack. I start to look for exists, search frantically for a breeze, DEAR GOD DOES ANYONE HAVE AIR CONDITIONING?!?!?!? If sweat even dares to bead up on my body I start to crawl out of my skin. Don't look at me, don't you dare talk to me, just get me cool, NOW DAMN IT.

Oh, did I mention it's been muggy and in the high 80's all week in Olympia with no stopping in sight?