Yet, as I’ve aged it seems my love affair with December is beginning to fray at the edges. This December will officially go down in the record books as one of the hardest, and least magical yet.
This will always be the December where I got caught up in all the wrong things. The year where the question of if I had enough decorations to make my home truly CHRISTMASY nearly drove me off the edge financially, and mentally. The year where I allowed my anxiety to swirl into a tangled mess and push away the people in this world who love me the deepest. It’s the December where in an effort to feel less GUILTY about all the people I’d hurt manifested into a spending spree of epic proportions far beyond my capabilities. Instead of dealing with my decision and my issues like someone who wears big girl pants I instead ran around like a crazy person and tried to single handedly pull us out of a recession. Whooo—hoooo high five for mindless guilt ridden spending!
How ever did I get so tremendously lost? How could it be possible to wreck the holiday I cherish the most? Instead of being over the moon excited for this holiday weekend to start, a holiday I’ve grown to love for the way it transforms people, places and memories, instead I am wishing it away as fast as possible. We leave for Bend, OR tonight to spend Christmas with Adam's parents, and all I am doing is hoping I can wake up and it be 2010. Please let it be 2010 already. Is it 2010 yet? No? Damn.
It's all so terribly sad. And I can't begin to explain how terribly tired I am.
As I swim around in all these confusing emotions, I wish you a December of my past. Hell maybe even a Hanukah (my Jewish brotherin, please explain to me why there are TWO ways to spell Hanukah. Sometimes you see it with a C, sometimes an H. I need help. Love your confused pagan friend, Ashley), Kwanzaa, Christmas or even Winter Solstice if it makes you merry. May it be filled with twinkle lights, food, inviting candle light, laughter, games, conversation, memories, joy, love, family and wonder. Or really, whatever a wonderful holiday means to YOU.
May we all be a little better to one another, and learn valuable lessons from our mistakes.
I know that’s my only Christmas wish this year.



