The Accidental Olympian

GOOGLE TEARS

So there I was, eating the worlds biggest plate of 7 layer bean dip, drinking shitty American beer, yelling at the tv and trying my best to fill in for Adam as the resident 'dude' during the Superbowl. For a while there I think I was doing pretty damn well.

Until I saw this commercial.

(Parisian Love, Google)

As my eyes welled up with tears during the last shot I was exposed for the total and complete vagina that I really am.

Damn you Google.

I still love you though, you softy.

Ashley, the Accidental Olympian

ROBIN WILLIAMS ON GOLF

I seem to be having a really, really hard time articulating what it is that's got my insides all torn up and messy. SO, in the meantime I leave you with this lovely clip from Robin Williams and his show Robin Williams: Live on Broadway.

Adam is gearing up for a Saturday day of golf and nonsense with the boys, and each time he talks about how excited he is all I can think of is Robin Williams in this sketch. People, it's true. What in the HELL were the Scottish on when they created golf? And can I have some? Because I seriously think it will help right about now.

WORK IT OUT GIRL!

Some of my earliest memories are of my mother in 80’s spandex. I’m talking neon splatter paint thong leotard with neon bike shorts and hot pink scrunchy socks. HOTNESS. My mothers second job was working as a Jazzercise instructor, and that lady took her job very serious. Therefore my sister and I became very familiar with the childcare room of whichever local gym my mom happened to be the instructor for. She tirelessly worked on routines at home, doing the grapevine with one baby on her hip, and another sitting at her feet. What a power house.

Needless to say her dedication to being fit and healthy rubbed off on her children. There were times in my life where I rebelled against exercise to be honest. Relying solely on my metabolism, but as I’ve aged I understand the importance of being able to climb the stairs without feeling like I might die.

Losing my job left me in a strange place regarding exercise. I simply couldn’t justify spending gobs of money on a membership when that money was desperately needed elsewhere. Yet, I knew even sporadic physical fitness made me feel good about myself, and keeping healthy endorphins flowing through the system is important for sanity. Oly added long walks into my life, but there are only so many times I can walk around our neighborhood with an easily distracted puppy. Our Direct TV package is lacking exercise fitness TV, so what was I to do?

Then it hit me. Nextflix instant videos! What I thought would be a simple procedure turned into an undertaking of epic proportions. Where is the cord that connects the TV to the laptop? Why doesn’t it work with my Mac? What the hell does this button do? Why is the screen smushed? WHY IS THERE NO SOUND! How do I get sound? Where did I put those old speakers for my computer? WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT LOUD BUZZING NOISE? Arrg, why in the world would Adam set his screen saver to come on every 5 minutes? OLY! Leave mama alone when she's trying to get buff! Holy crap our ceiling fan is low. Note to self. Do not flail arms so close to the ceiling fan. On and on and on it went.

In the end I had a good work out with the help of my 80’s inspired Pilates instructor. She made me sweat, and my overall goal of feeling the burn was achieved after many road blocks. But it sure made me miss the days of arriving at the gym for a class, getting my sweat on, and then just heading home. Who knew home fitness could be such a process?

I'VE BEEN HELD HOSTAGE... BY MY DVR

I have a confession to make. I LOVE TV.

Love it. Movies, reality tv, dramas, comedies, specials, you name it folks, I'll watch it. So when things like Tivo and DVR were created, damn it I was HOOKED. Like an addict, I wanted it, now. Once my folks got a DVR there was no need to stay up late trying to catch a favorite show, I didn't feel bad about missing an episode if I was out with friends, and if I wanted to get up in the middle of a dramatic scene, well golly-jeepers I could just hit PAUSE. I COULD FINALLY PAUSE LIVE TELEVISION.

There is a God.

Once I moved out on my own I got my very first DVR. One that I didn't have to fight with my Dad over. No more coming home to find that my father had stopped my taping of the Real World (stop judging, I was in high school) for GOLF. That one, that one still irks me...

So here I am today, living in a DVR happy home, with two whole DVR's for Adam and I to fill with mindless shows... and now, now it's temporally taken over our lives.

God forbid we decide to go out for two weeks and get really busy. We painted our living room and dining room (I HATE PAINTING!), adopted a dog, had some visitors, and basically had some nonsense to attend to. Meanwhile our little DVR was going nuts, just adding up our shows waiting for us to come back to it. When we finally sat down over a week later to see what we had to watch, it was scary. I have never seen a DVR get to 95% full. I mean holy crap, what the hell are we even taping?

Since our discovery, we've been bombarded, trapped by our DVR. I mean, I have NOTHING to do during the day but watch our DVR, but I can't because Adam wants to see these shows too, so I must sit here, in my boredom and NOT WATCH things like the last two weeks of The Office while slowly pulling out my hair.

I feel trapped, controlled even by this overly full DVR. After dinner it's right upstairs we go to see if we can decrease the backlog. We high-five once it's down bellow 50%, and then what do we do, we go see a Mariners game, IDIOTS! How can I enjoy my beer knowing that at home my DVR is slowing filling back up, trapping me, guilting me into finishing what I started?

We may never get out of this DVR hole. At this point, all I can do is pray for a really rainy weekend. Rain so hard we feel no remorse for spending 72 straight hours watching, and then gloriously deleting accumulated shows on that damn DVR.