The Accidental Olympian

FORGIVENESS

Last Sunday morning I found myself seated across the breakfast table from one of my favorite people. As we chatted the topic of the last four to five weeks of her employment struggle came up. When you are unemployed at times it feels physically impossible to go a whole day without speaking of your plight. Today's economy forces you to carry your unemployment around like a scarlet letter. Try as you might to tuck it away, it feels as if it is always visible. 

Listening to her talk about her fears, or the way that she's beginning to find it hard to stave off the embarrassment, guilt, and shame of being unable to find work ate at me. I was looking into the eyes of a person who is terrified of the future, shocked at her situation and baffled at the utter lack of control that consumes her daily life.

I know that look.

As I sat across from her I tried to give her the things no one was able to give me.

Understanding.

I tried to tell her all the things that ring true about being in your mid 20's with all the education and experience in the world, lost in this economic shit storm.

Don't be ashamed to accept help. You deserve to let those who love you step in when you need it.

This isn't your fault.

Deal with your debt later. It is ok to be in survival mode now. Don't be ashamed to use credit to buy groceries if that's all you have. Survival truly is key.

It is ok to take something that feels beneath you to ensure that you have an income. No matter what society has told us, our job does not define who we are as a person.

This isn't your fault.

You are a talented, smart, well educated, hard working woman, anyone would be happy to employ you. They just can't see you right now through all the candidates. But trust me you still shine.

You'll make it.

Even if the job you find feels terribly lacking, eventually you will find something better, make it into something better, or improve your situation ten fold.

Stay strong. You are doing EVERYTHING right even when it feels like you're doing everything wrong.

This isn't your fault. 




As I drove home from my lovely weekend in Seattle, our conversation at the table continued to run through my mind.

Suddenly I began to cry.

Hot, salty tears streamed down my cheeks and my chest heaved over and over and I was powerless to control the emotions surging through me.

The words I had told my friend, the reassurance, the positive outlook, the loving encouragement and reminders of her self worth were all things I have never once given myself.

Through my unemployment battle and subsequent year of employment striving to turn my position into the role it is today, I never once stepped in and told myself the hardships hadn't been my fault. I never let myself off the hook, told that scared girl inside that it would be ok, reminded myself that I truly was doing all I could, I never once pointed out to myself that I was actually making the best out of a horrible situation, and I never let myself accept the idea that I was doing everything I humanly could to survive. 

The very words of encouragement and love that poured so easily out of my mouth for another had been impossible for me to give myself.



As the tears began to subside and my breathing returned to normal it felt as if I had given myself the most loving embrace. The weight of the last year and a half seemed to finally be lifted, and instead of feeling disgrace for the way I believed my future to have been drastically shifted beyond my control, for the first time in ages I was proud of myself.

Damn fucking proud. 

Finally after all this time I told myself it was ok, that I loved myself, and that what I went through was horrible and demoralizing, but I'd done it.

To anyone today who is struggling to find work, who lays in bed at night wondering where they went wrong, to the person who feels like a failure for resorting to the lesser job when it was all they could find, to the individual who feels like the only one they know on a drastically tight budget, to the graduate who feels like their future is the bleakest sight imaginable, you can do this. You will do this.

I believe in you.

Ashley, the Accidental Olympian

ANNIVERSARY

Anniversary posts about blogs sort of make me gag, but I'll subject you to this one because I enjoy watching you suffer. Plus, this is MY blog, so I'll do what I want!

Really though, I'll put you through this because your weird spot on the internet only turns one, once.

I promise to NOT make this a yearly thing.

But then again, I don't keep promises very well so check in in 2011 to see if I kept my end of the deal.




A year ago I sat in my new living room messing around on my computer while Adam fiddled at the dinning room table. I had followed a few blogs in a mildly stalkerish manner for nearly a year and absolutely loved each one, worshiping the people behind the magic a tad too much, and always feeling completely and utterly incapable of their type of craft and mastery.

Yet people continued to push.

You should start a blog.

And I continued to doubt.

No way. Why in the world would ANYONE want to read what I had to say?



What weight could a twentysomething, unemployed for four months going on sixty years, unable to spell or take the time to edit correctly, recently relocated to a not-exactly-vacation-inspiring-town, shacking up with her boyfriend in a home we were still trying to decide if we should buy, nut job bring to the table that hasn't already been said 700 times before?

And yet, that night I hit PUBLISH.

And then fell over and had a panic attack of epic proportions.

I so wish that last line was a joke.




To this day, one crazy year later of prattling around on this little space of mine I still manage to lug around all those insecurities from day one. And yet even with all the doubts, I've surprisingly managed to amass a group of folks who have found my corner of the internet, stopped to say hello, and thereby became instantly some of my favorite people in the whole world. Each one of them, strangers, family, friends, or lurkers have one by one taken a little piece out of this sack of insecurity I lug and helped me carry it day after day. 

It's amazing how much lighter a bag of rocks can seem when you've got others to help with the lifting. 

(OMG that was so corny. I think I just vomited.)


I never believed I would gain anything from this blog beyond an activity to help fill up all the space unemployment left me with between reality tv, sleeping, eating, and applying for jobs I couldn't seem to land.

Amazingly along the way I actually gained a smidge of confidence in my ability to string together sentences, discovered a deep and consuming love of photography (even if I still have a million things to learn), realized I can fight off those nagging feelings of depression by exposing my fears/worries/mistakes on this creative outlet, and somehow I stumbled upon kind voices and faces who have made some of the struggles of this past year just a tad easier to shoulder. Even better? I've found people in this vast world who don't hesitate to help me celebrate those times when everything seems to fall into place. 


I will probably never have thousands of readers, the odds of me EVER receiving a single penny from either of the advertisements on my site is slim to none, Good Morning America, the New York Times, or hell even the Olympian aren't likely to call me ANYTIME soon for an interview, and I will most likely NEVER consider what I do here a 'career', and yet, that suits me just fine thanks.



A million thanks and internet hugs for being here.

You really have no idea what it means to this little lady.

Ashley, the Wow Its Actually Been A Whole Year Accidental Olympian

WHO YOU KNOW

"It's all about who you know."

This was something I heard ALL THE TIME during the 6 months I spent unemployed. People offered up this phrase to me as if it was the end-all-be-all to finding a job. Like now that they had told me this little job hunting secret I would FINALLY be able to end my multi-month long employment search. Because of their tip I would be saved.

What I wanted to reply was, "If it's all about 'who I know' would you mind TELLING ME ABOUT A JOB OPENING WITH SOMEONE YOU KNOW?" Normally though I just smiled.

I dredge up my feelings of worthlessness from my 6 MONTH unemployment journey because although it has been nearly a year since I finally found a job, I was recently privy to an enlightening flashback when I actually became the person who was able to give the employment insider scoop to not one, but TWO job hopefuls.

*****

In the same meeting where I found out I'd lost my job, my boss also mentioned a connection with a MEGA-SUPER-AMAZING-AWESOME-JOB-OF-UNICORNS-AND-COOLNESS. So, although I felt like I had just been kicked in the stomach on one hand, I also couldn't help but smile when I realized that, This could all lead to a serious upgrade. Despite my new found feelings of unemployed worthlessness I worked on my cover letter and resume with the help of my now EX coworkers as we all attempted to blindly prep me for a chance to work with the big dogs.

I'd love nothing more than to tell you exactly what company I applied for, but alas, I shouldn't. Mostly because if I ever get this shot again, I don't want them to see me talking trash about their hiring process. Lets just say you know who they are, and they've taken over the world.

They also happen to be founded and run largely out of Seattle.

You're all going, "I know this... Google? Amazon? Microsoft? Adobe? Nintendo? Costco? Starbucks? Boeing? WHO IS IT ASHLEY?"

evil cackle

I'll never tell. 

*****

After THREE phone interviews I finally made it to the in person interviews. I dressed to impress and walked straight into the lions den. And not some 'Hmm I Wouldn't Mind A Snack,' sort lions den either. I'm talking, 'We Haven't Been Fed in 6 Months I'm Going To Eat Your Family' sort of lions den. I partook in six half hour back-to-back interviews without a pee break, without a water break, and without a moment to breathe. This company didn't hold back. The conversation was largely numbers driven, and I couldn't help but wonder if anyone had dared to glance at my ENGLISH/BOOK PUBLISHING -- HELLO NO MATH background. My favorite interaction was when one interviewer goes, "Anyone can think up a cute marketing ploy. I need someone who is able to make sense of numbers."

So I should just leave now?

The skitzo part would be that right after Numbers Lady left, Guy Who Loved Me would be up telling me how perfectly on point my ideas were and how I had, 'The Voice'. Every half hour I thought I nailed it, and then directly following would feel like my best option was to just escort myself out of the building and save everyone the trouble. Talk about messing with your head.

Needless to say, when I walked out of their offices nearly 4 hours later I felt like I'd been hit by a truck, a car, a school buss and a small SUV, all at the same time. BUT, I was still hopeful because although I wasn't a numbers girl, I had what I thought was experience in an arena that would give me an edge. 

OBVIOUSLY I didn't get the job.

I cried for a day straight.

*****

Alas, my failure isn't the entire point of this story. The point is a friend recently asked if I might share my insight into Super Company with someone who was going to be interviewing with them. As I wrote out my tale of horror (6 BACK TO BACK INTERVIEWS WITH NO WATER! NUMBERS! SO MANY NUMBERS! TELL THEM ABOUT HOW YOU LOVE NUMBERS!), I remembered vividly how terrifying, confusing, and what a mind-fuck job hunting as a whole really is. I recalled how not once did the HR rep of Super Company tell me maybe I should be sure not to drink water before arriving to my 4 hours of interrogation because YIPPEE I wouldn't be allowed to pee. Or breathe. Or God forbid gather my thoughts.

As is to be expected, my insight actually helped someone else be really really prepared. This person later admitted the interview with Super Company was indeed just as terrifying as I'd claimed (thank god it wasn't all in my head), and no they didn't let her pee either. The kicker being that even though it was frightening, because of my tale ultimately she was just a little more prepared than others. Maybe she brought a protein rich snack, or meditated, threw salt over her shoulder before entering the building, maybe even promised her first born to the devil, but either way she was so ready for their attack that she landed the job.

Did you get that?

She got the job.

Two weeks later, my story was again handed to someone before an interview with Super Company. They too remarked that my tale was incredibly helpful, and wonderful, and actually helped them avoid feeling like they were in the hot seat and should maybe just come clean already about that one time they stole a necklace from Macy's.

I wont lie to you, if this second person gets the job too, I might just crawl in a hole and die.

The moral of this VERY LONG story is that yes, those people are right when they tell you that it's all about Who You Know. And it is not even an exaggeration in the slightest to say that your odds of landing a job are significantly higher if you can find some schmuck who has already interviewed with the company of your dreams who might be willing to tell you exactly what NOT to do.

If you're really lucky, the combination of your skills and your new found knowledge will mean you'll actually get the job they were too unprepared/blind/flabbergasted to get themselves.

Damn you Super Job.

You know I still love you, right?

Ashley, the Accidental Olympian

CHRISTMAS LESSONS

I really hope your Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza/Boxing Day/WinterSolstice/You Have The Whole Weekend Off Anyway From Work So Why Don’t You Have Another Drink weekend was fantabulous. Mine was brought to you by twenty degree weather, amazing cocktails, reading, light snow, hot tub soaks, sleeping in, midday naps, walks with puppies, afternoon movies, and FOOD.

I went into this weekend terrified, filled with grief, and excited out of my mind.

I know, conflicted much?

****

In the end I learned a lot of odd things about myself as a result of being a total douche canoe and canceling Christmas with my family some 20 odd days before they were supposed to arrive on my doorstep. One of which being that I might not be as strong as I would like to believe.

When I lost my job last December everyone was so confident in me and my abilities. Hell, so was I at first. Over drinks a week or so into my job search friends joked about how I should be thrilled I was laid off in December because now I had a month long Christmas break, and by February I would be back in the workforce dreaming of those glorious days of unemployment.

We all clinked glasses to my sudden fortune.

When things seemed unlikely to get better any time soon the positivity regarding my ability to handle this life hurdle continued to pour in.

"You'll find something. I have faith in you."
"They would be idiots not to hire you."
"Think of the adventure! You can start a new career!"
"I'm proud of how mature you're being with this whole sudden change. I would be losing my mind."
“Think of all the free time. Cherish this.”


And in most respects I WAS being mature and strong, and I was wearing fucking rose colored glasses about the fact that one day I was headed on a very specific career path, and then all of a sudden I wasn't, and suddenly I was moving to a city I had never visited, to buy a house, and get a dog, and try to find a new job/career, and OMG I HAVE NO FRIENDS, and hello boyfriend, nice to live with you all of a sudden!

God, when I write it all out it really has been the longest mind fuck year, ever.



BUT, I have done it. And yes there have been some serious meltdowns, and confusion, and soul sucking disappointment, and days where I curse this whole roller coaster I went on unwillingly. But I also have these moments where I'm like,  “Look at me, finally finding a job, making new friends, buying a house, raising a puppy, pushing myself to try new scary things like roller derby, loving living with my boyfriend, and being a strong healthy ADULT! Gold Star!”

Yet as much as I want to pat myself on the back for handling what at times feels like a mess of epic proportions, I am also finding that I am so very fragile inside. A friend of mine remarked recently that she has never in her life known me to be so damn tearful. I cry constantly, I require propping up and excessive amounts of coddling, my feelings are hurt so very easily, and the confidence that I once carried around proudly slung over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes is now this tiny lump of coal I casually store in my back pocket.

I wanted so badly to continue to be this strong amazing adult woman through this year like everyone believes I am. The sort of woman who buys a home like it's no big deal, has people at her house for Thanksgiving without batting an eyelash, who invites her family for lengthy Christmas breaks, and the kind of woman who looks at life and all its struggles and fucking laughs in its face.

I did. I wanted to be her so much.

But, I don't think I am.

Just yet.


This year I messed up because I realized I wasn't that strong woman far too late in the game. I revealed to my family the reality of my weaknesses and my desire to be coddled and cared for too close to their visit. I cut them so very deeply because no one had time to process the things I was admitting, the reality that I didn't have the strength to be the center piece, and until I said it out loud they might not have even guessed I was struggling. For that I will always be so very sorry.

When it was all said and done and I was sitting in Bend, OR decompressing after the longest year of my life with Adam's family, two states away from my own family, I finally realized something.

No matter how sorry I may be for hurting them, I don't have to be sorry for being weak.

Not this year.

HURRY! I HAVE GOOD NEWS!

So back in March when I started this blog the only thing I thought would come of it was that it would be a fantastic way to kill some of the 40+ hours a week I was spending at home alone being pathetic and unemployed. I knew my mom would read it, hoped maybe a friend or two might glance at it, but really that’s about as far as my imagination carried me.

Then before I knew it, ALL YOU FABULOUS PEOPLE SHOWED UP and I was like, “Um excuse me? Are you lost?” But no, turns out you aren’t lost, which is amazing and delightful. Please, come over to my house, I shall cook you something and get you drunk in appreciation.

Even more wild than knowing that there are real live people who read this blog is having a great company like Cookware.com contact me to see if I would be interested in giving something back to the people. They actually allowed ME, crazy o’l me look around on their site and pick something out to give to YOU my fantabulous readers!

SO, I was instantly drawn to the Rachael Ray Cookware section, because no matter what you say about her voice, I LOVE her food, but then something even more scrumptious caught my eye.  Not sure if you know this about me, but I am obsessed with Le Creuset. I frequently get distracted by the Le Creuset section of my grocery store and stop to pet the tea pots which I am fully aware is weird and creepy behavior. Seeing as I can’t actually afford to own any of their items, I immediately headed over to the Le Creusset section of the website to pick something out for YOU. I wanted to give a lucky reader a kitchen full of this stuff, but alas I had limits. BUT, even with my limitations I was able to find an ADORABLE little serving dish with a snazzy lid in their price range.

One lucky reader will win the Le Creuset 12oz Petite Oval Casserole Dish. If you actually know how to bake adorable miniature casseroles, more power to you. I would probably use this for things like salsa or dip at parties, but hey, some of us are classy, and some of us just aren’t. I can live with that.

So, if you want a chance to win this lovely little dish of adorableness, write ANYTHING in the comments. What you’d make with it if it was yours, a funny story, hell just introduce yourself if you’ve been reading in the shadows. HI! NICE TO MEET YOU! WOULD YOU LIKE A TINY CASSEROLE DISH? I ain't picky. I’ll use a random generator to pick a number, and then POOF! This Friday I’ll close the comments at 5, and after that I'll contact the winner to get their info and ask what color they want!

People, it doesn’t get any easier than that.

So go, comment away, and if you’re lucky this little guy might just come home with you.*

*disclaimer, only US and Canadian readers please. I know, I know, sorry I don’t make the rules.